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Would you marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with you?

Posted by James, 31 Jan

You have been going out with your boyfriend or girlfriend and all is great. Except for one problem … No Sex!

Well a few months after Jane and Eugene started dating, they had sex. Suddenly however, Eugene would stop in the middle of a serious making-out session. Jane really wondered what was wrong or what she did wrong the first time she had sex with him. Anyway, after a year of almost-having-sex sessions, Eugene opened up to her and told her that he was a virgin when they met and kind of freaked out when they had sex the first time.

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That said Jane talked to him and assured him that she was fine with it because it’s not like she had so much experience herself. However it’s been now another year since coming out of the closet thingy and still Eugene hasn’t been able to get past this, and now Jane has kind of resigned to her fate of probably never having sex again with the man she loves. In fact she put an end to any physical relationship between the two of them about 9 months ago just out of sheer frustration.

Jane has tried talking to him about this so many times … she has tried everything short of counseling but still … Jane even asked him if this is something he wants to wait till marriage for but he denies that. She loves him, and she knows he loves her.

The dilemma is, should she resign herself to this for the rest of her life? How does she break up with a guy that she so wants to be with? Would you give up sex for love? no sex relationship

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48 responses to "Would you marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with you?"

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  1.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 11 Aug 10

    I am not virgin but I don't believe sex before marriage is psychologically healthy. So after the first person, I never had sex again(I got my fill since I was engaged to her for five years and she did cheat on me and then I stopped having sex with her and she left me for someone else who would.) She has been divorced twice since me(thank God because that would have been me she divorced!!) and is finally married again and I hope it works out this time. She has sons from each of the marriages and the last one isn't her own but she has to take care of all three of them like they are her own which I believe must be rough. So no to sex before marriage and since then I have gotten so fussy as far as the type of personality I want and have such high standards for that that if the woman that met those criteria for what I wanted in a personality didn't want to have sex even after marriage, I would still marry her!! Commonality of interests is more important especially as you get older. As a Pastoral Counselor who specializes in marriage and premarital counseling, I think getting married for the wrong and shallow reasons are the greatest cause of divorce. Too many people get married because of horniness and looks consciousness and materialism rather than commonality of interests and goals and views and then they wonder why they end up divorced. Joseph Moyer

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  2.   FurryJeans says:
    Posted: 22 May 10

    "Would you marry someone who doesn't want to have sex with you?" Depends on whether having sex after marriage would still be taboo. I know people that want to be virgins until their wedding night, and while I don't happen to agree with that outlook I can understand it and honor it. This is something both partners need to deeply discuss and see if it fits what they want out of life and out of any potential relationship.

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  3.   friendly13 says:
    Posted: 13 May 10

    Well, I could understand if a person was a certified virgin and wanted to wait for marriage. But, me personally I would be concerned if the man did not want to have sex. That is a normal part of a serious relationship. I definitely don't want a man who will not have sex after the marriage. But if he won't before the marriage he probably won't after the marriage either. I would think he was hiding something and would want to know what it was. But that is just how I feel.

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  4.   wonka says:
    Posted: 09 Mar 10

    FAT CHANCE!!,that would be IMPOSSIBLE for me.WONKA needs some lovin'.So I agree with(paula99)HELL TO THE NO!!.NOT HAPPENING!!.

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  5.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 02 Mar 10

    I'd have to say probably not. I can not have sex all by myself. It is just a part of the whole picture, it's true, but an important part.

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  6.   Rhonda says:
    Posted: 06 Feb 10

    I am a 40 year old. I was in a car wreck at the age of 16. I'm still in a wheelchair. I DON'T KNOW IF I HAD SEX BEFORE OR NOT?

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  7.   blahblahblah726 says:
    Posted: 03 Dec 09

    so, no premarital sex i can be cool with. but when she asked if this was the issue he said no? that brother's not marriage material. unless you are looking for a boooooooring one. if he's not talking about giving it up even once you're married, dude's got to go.

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  8.   Shotgun007 says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    I have 2 responses: For the Blog Article, it is pretty clear we are speaking of pre-marital intimacy/intercourse. If a man or woman refuses/declines sexual intercourse prior to marriage I really don't see how a successful marriage could result. Marriage may or may not include having your own biological children, no sex means no children. Having children is a big factor for some. My second response is to "Al”- Ask yourself “Is this relationship giving "Al" what' he needs, not just his girlfriend that’s 43 and declines to have sex with him. Don’t get me wrong, as rare as it is couples can have a loving relationship without intercourse, but both parties would have to agree, otherwise it just makes for an unsuccessful relationship. It’s not my intent to come off like Dr.Phil but ask yourself, "How Healthy is this Relationship?"…. if it is increasingly one-sided. You can remain supportive of her in friendship established prior to becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. Sounds as if she is going through withdrawal, which affects all parts of the psychy, if you know what I mean. If you've given her enough time to adjust to all of the medical changes, discuss it with her until she opens completely up. If she doesn't open up, then you've done your part. In the end, you have the option to leave and pursue happiness with others. Thanks for listening!! Shotgun007

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  9.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    "You have been going out with your boyfriend or girlfriend and all is great. Except for one problem … No Sex!" I believe the topic is pertaining to pre-marital sex. However, some people are commenting on being married and not having sex. Now that's just un-called for unless you're like 80 years old!

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  10.   fire321 says:
    Posted: 29 Jul 09

    I don't get this...what would be the purpose of getting married if you're not going to share ALL aspects as husband and wife? My answer would be hell 2 the no!

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  11.   prettybrowneyes says:
    Posted: 18 Jul 09

    no sex? no marriage...this is not an option. i would never marry anyone that did not want to have sex. sex is a healthy part of life and is good for over all wellbeing,

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  12.   Member says:
    Posted: 14 Jul 09

    AL Dump her punk ass and move on. Misery always loves company. After awhile you will just resent her. She will continue be a victim and make you feel guilty. Better cut it now then later when you realize this. God speed and tell her Laurelton Queens told you to let her go!

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  13.   al says:
    Posted: 14 Jul 09

    what i mean is i really really really really really hope she changes her mind when she gets better cause i know that she is going to.

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  14.   al says:
    Posted: 14 Jul 09

    also, at the beginning of the relationship the sex was frequent and great

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  15.   al says:
    Posted: 14 Jul 09

    I am in a similar situation. My girlfriend of 1 year has a couple of abnormal growths on her ovary. At this time I understand no sex, but this has been the issue since sept. 2009. she said the doctors don't know if it cancerous or not. on top of that she has told me that she doesn't want to have sex again. she thinks that she got them from sex. she is 43 and is still able to get pregnant. I got her pregnant but she got an abortion, then got a IUD put in. I'm 30 and still going strong if you know what i mean. I love her and i know she loves me but I dont know if I can last without sex for as long as we are together. i really really really really really hope she changes her mind.

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  16.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 30 Jun 09

    Postpone the wedding. This will force him to open up or call the whole thing off. He has to understand that in a marriage, his body is no longer his... it's your's. Just as your body is no longer your's, it's his. A man not even wanting you to touch it? And following with a smart comment to boot? No! Amongst everything else in a relationship, sex is the only reason two people get married. You don't need to be married to love someone. You don't need to be married to be friends. You can sex without being married, but... you catch my drift. I thought I could deal with my ex-fiance's not wanted to have sex for over a year and a half. I started thinking about honeymoon plans and all. But then, when I couldn't, you know, imagine the 'honeymoon', I called off the relationship. How can we plan children if I don't see myself having sex with you every again? Just think about it. Start with postponing the wedding. See what happens from there. Good luck!

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  17.   gemini17 says:
    Posted: 29 Jun 09

    i am trying to understand him so much...it hurts me so much that he is almost pushing me away...

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  18.   SanAntonioBeauty says:
    Posted: 29 Jun 09

    Gemini17, I think your fiancee is having a performance problem he doesn't want to deal with. He is also withdrawing from you because of something he can't handle, which is not a good foundation of a marriage. If he is offering for you to go to the doctor with him, I suggest you do so. It may be a medication problem which is effecting his ability to perform and connecting with you. The other thing that might be happening is that he might be reactively depressed over the impending marriage or experiencing medication inducted depression. Either way a doctor should be involved if he really want to go forth with your impending marriage. It's apparent he doesn't handle stress well and need some help.

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  19.   gemini17 says:
    Posted: 29 Jun 09

    i'm in a similar situation. my fiancee and i are together for 2 1/2 yrs we're living together now and getting married on sat(4th july) for nearly 2 months now he doesn't wanna have sex with me. i tried to undertand him his explanation is he is having a hormone problems might be a side effect of his medication from ulcerative colitis until now he is taking at least 8 pills a day(pentasa 500mg) im trying to think that it might be it's just because of his medicines but why even if i touch him in his private part in the morning he wakes up with mood even telling me if i want he will bring to a doctor and get me an operation to put a penis on me so i have something touch on my own. or sometimes he says his penis is not a place to rest my hands or play. most of the times now i do beg for him and i feel so low doing that. can somebody help me understand.i feel so down about it now

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  20.   prettybrowneyes says:
    Posted: 26 Mar 09

    Sex is paramount to a successful union. If I can't have ALL that goes with a successful marriage. Then I want nothing with you at all. ALL of my needs MUST be met in a marriage if Im to remain in it. If not; then I will leave.

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  21.   imarose says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    Bereal, I think you feelings are valid. As I read you statement, I'm wondering if you and you fiance' connect on all areas. Can you talk about everything, are you affectionate, to you connect physically? If you are connecting emotionally, spiritually and physically (meaning affection) not sex perse, then maybe you all are right for each other. I don't know the whole story, but if you've been together for 15 months and she doesn't know if she want to get married, I would have questions. HEY, If you are in a relationship, are you on this site looking for someone???? 'Cause if you are, then you need to just move on anyway! I just realize, hey this guy is on a dating website and he is in a relationship!... ????

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  22.   bereal says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 09

    I have read all of your responses and just dont agree. Sex is a very personal and respectful part of a relationship. If a woman is coming onto a man and gets him worked up and then stops. then something is wrong...I am in a relationship for 15 months and it has been sexless. I am very frustrated and get physically sick when this women tells me she is saving herself for marriage. I proposed in Decemeber and she gave me a half hearted answer that now she wasnt sure if she ever wanted to get married. I am having bouts of depression over this relationship and am scared that if I marry her...things would not change. Any advice from this forum?

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  23.   nycoaco says:
    Posted: 12 Oct 08

    I been through my last relationship where my BF did not want to have sex with me but do foreplay going for over two months. One last Sept. he just stop talking with me, have no idea why, maybe because I went to his apt and he would not answer me, and I caught him off guard with someone else there. He told me he does not think about sex during the week, but it don't work on weekend either when he see me. Always on the laptop and watching TV. I always want sex it part of life to make u live longer if the person is happier with you.

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  24.   1rockgodess says:
    Posted: 06 Oct 08

    Doing sex is great but remember thats just a little or say physical part of a r/ship. Thing is if one could find a guy who would not want a sexual r/ship before marriage these days man! would I be glad, but truth is sex definitely aint all of it, besides I would be glad to wait him out pending when the "right time" clicks but then again to be factual and realistic, aint gonna find that pretty soon even if you looked hard. The question to some extent isnt reasonable yet occasionally they occur but whenever they do occur baby, relish these moments cause some one surely is dying inside for it... If you have any doubts pray you find the opportunity and wait him out for us to see the results :)

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  25.   Mo says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 08

    I agree as well.

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  26.   Member says:
    Posted: 18 Jun 08

    Ruth, Girl, You go head on and preach!.....I agree with you also. Very well put!

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  27.   sortaann says:
    Posted: 29 Apr 08

    Sex…Base on life experience and maturity i realize sex is not all.... If i am with my man and in any event he can’t have sex it wouldn’t change anything… ... Would i marry someone who doesn’t want to have sex? No!

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  28.   3dsports says:
    Posted: 26 Mar 08

    COULD NOT DO IT...May not be the only thing, but it is important.

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  29.   carmelskingirl says:
    Posted: 18 Mar 08

    Yes I would marry without having sex. That is like the best part. I respect my mate for wanting to respect me and want to see where thing goes. For a lot of us sex we dont give it a thought till afterwards and then all your emotions play in. If someone truly cares for you they would discuss it with you and talk to you about it. By not jumping in all of a sudden it strengthhens your relationship. The sex can be bomb meaning it can be great but if you have a sh**y relationship it is nothing but headaches and drama. So it is something to think about. There are other things besides sex you can do such as intamacy.

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  30.   3dsports says:
    Posted: 14 Mar 08

    If you are not having sex you may as well just be friends. Sex may not be everything, but it is important...

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  31.   rickie70 says:
    Posted: 13 Feb 08

    Amen dark1ande, I totally agree.

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  32.   Ruth7 says:
    Posted: 09 Feb 08

    Thank you gacocoa.

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  33.   gacocoa says:
    Posted: 09 Feb 08

    I TOTALLY AGREE WITH RUTH7.SO WELL SPOKEN RUTH7

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  34.   paula99 says:
    Posted: 08 Feb 08

    hell to the no!!

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  35.   Ruth7 says:
    Posted: 07 Feb 08

    I believe it is possible to have a relationship without having sex. Many people choose to abstain until they are married. It is an issue that needs to be discussed openly & you can only be in the relationship if there is a mutual agreement, otherwise it could lead to a lot of frustration which could spill over into anger, bitterness & resentment over time. I think that even if you agree not to have sex, you do need to talk about it on some level as sexual compatibility or lack of will affect you should you get married.

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  36.   PattyCake48 says:
    Posted: 07 Feb 08

    I understand Schone. Sex between two people who care about each other is no longer sex, it's lovemaking. When you make love, you bring something into it and you take something out. That's why it hurts when the union doesn't last. The couple Schone knew understood. She stood her ground and got her man. He knew she was a keeper. Sex is for marriage.

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  37.   kikidallas says:
    Posted: 06 Feb 08

    I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD WORKOUT, UNLESS WE HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING THAT THEY DO NOT WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME AND THAT I CAN SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. IT WORKS ON ALOT OF THINGS MENTALLY. BUT ALSO THERE ARE SOME FACTORS THAT I WOUD HAVE TO THINK ABOUT FIRST LIKE SOME TYPE OF ILLNESS THAT MIGHT PRVENT THEM FROM HAVING SEX, OTHER THAN THAT, I THINK I COULD MARRY SOMEONE THAT DOES NOT WANT TO SEX ME DOWN.

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  38.   redpassion says:
    Posted: 05 Feb 08

    I'm a disable woman in wheelchair. In the past i left man because he didn't want have sex. Sex is the complement of lovers and is very important have it. I think that too much people have to learn and how to make happy his or her partner. Without sex and imagination the relationship decrees and will broke.

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  39.   Schone says:
    Posted: 05 Feb 08

    I do not think that I could live with someone who refused to have sex with me. Sex is such a vital part of a relationship that it actually feels as if one is not careful it could become the most vital part. It connects the persons involved. Without sex in the relationship it would make it just a friendship.

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  40.   Schone says:
    Posted: 05 Feb 08

    I do know of persons who have gone through such a situation but they eventually moved past the problem and are having a great sexual relationship. The lady in the situation felt guilty because she is a christian and her religion forbids sex outside of marriage. The guy was frustrated and actually broke up with her because he could not stand not being able to make love to her. They eventually got back together however and got married and the rest is history.....

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  41.   navyguy2222 says:
    Posted: 03 Feb 08

    I agree with Mustang2011. Especially if the two of you are moving towards a serious relationship, and marriage is an ok topic...

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  42.   fantabulus says:
    Posted: 03 Feb 08

    i don't think its a problem as long as they love each other its cool.

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  43.   Georgielily says:
    Posted: 03 Feb 08

    If I was in a relationship there should be some physical contact between two partners... If there is none then there is no relationship only left is friendship....

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  44.   gracian1979 says:
    Posted: 02 Feb 08

    As a therapist myself, I would recommend getting help. Working together constructively before making any major decisions is always a good route to take. Even getting help individually for both partners is good. Its important not to start the blame game, any version of it. Sometimes people start to think there must be something unappealing about themselves and thats why the partner can't "perform". Others might begin to look down on the partner who is having erectile difficulties (if thats what it is). Once the accusations and nagging start its difficult to move past the difficult to a solution.

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  45.   dark1ande says:
    Posted: 02 Feb 08

    Sex is an important part of relationships. On the flip side- if a partner could no longer have sex due to an injury or illness would you leave them? Sex is great but it isn't everything.

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  46.   olseto1to4 says:
    Posted: 02 Feb 08

    hi i wont to do sex weht you do you wont me 21 yers old from lebanon

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  47.   mustang2011 says:
    Posted: 01 Feb 08

    No way. Sex is a great part of the relationship and I would probably have to move on as hard as that would be. That would be AFTER exploring many other avenues, talking, therapist, etc.

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  48.   lulubell says:
    Posted: 01 Feb 08

    While I conceed that it is possible for this senario to arise I would just like to (snort) point out that it is very unlikely! How many newlyweds/new couples do you know that can keep there hands off one another? Im thinking Jane should stage an intervention with his parents and there family doctor-that'll be worse for him than admiting to irrectile disfuntion, he'll either leave her (in a mortified state) or get the problem sorted - Solved!?

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