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Study: Racial stereotypes in online dating

Posted by Ria, 24 Apr

I once asked you guys in an earlier post: “Do dating sites encourage racial prejudice?” Well, a UC Irvine study claims that online daters have a tendency of observing racial stereotypes while seeking potential mates.

The researchers analyzed Yahoo personals and found that White men prefer Asian and Hispanic women to African American women as dating partners. White women on the other hand have a preference for African American and Hispanic men as opposed to Asian men. Asians, Blacks and Latinos were more inclined to include White people as possible mates than White people were to include them. White people seem to be the most preferred race when it comes to interracial dating.

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Cynthia Feliciano, one of the researchers and UCI assistant professor of sociology and Chicano/Latino studies, pegs the above preference findings on negative portrayals of Black women and Asian men by the media – on TV, in movies and music. "Stereotypical images of masculinity and femininity shape dating choices and continue to be perpetuated in the mass media," said Feliciano, "The hyper-feminine image of Asian American women contrasts greatly with the image of Asian men, who are often portrayed as asexual."

At the same time, the image of the strong Black woman, portrayed negatively by media as bossiness, is pegged against the idealized notions of submissive and frail women; which kinda explains why they were the least preferred choice of mate. This study on internet dating shows how race still plays into the selection of a partner.

Having been dubbed the 'dominant race' and being the most preferred racial group (according to the study), do you think White people influence the composition of interracial dating in the U.S.? Do racial stereotypes as portrayed by the media influence racial preference and choice in the internet dating scene? What other factors could be making Black women and Asian men the least preferred groups?

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270 responses to "Study: Racial stereotypes in online dating"

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  1.   Balance38 says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    Are you every black man? Do you have the voice for every black man? I think not. I am not every black woman, and don't proclaim to think for every black woman. I do understand your so call reverse psychology attempt to show me an different aspect, but let me enlighten you i already understand that perspective of how a black man may think. If you reread my statements I said not all feel that way, not all black men are that way. When I look at a black man, I don't tend to size him up until he opens his mouth and begin to speak, as you have. What hesays in the first 10 minutes let's me know wether i want to engage in conversation or avoid him. To be honest that is with any man I conversate with for that matter.Date who you choose because I surely will, I continue to stand by my word. I wish all the brothers the best in their such for whomever they want.

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  2.   Elliot says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    Once again the statement was a parody to Beautiful 38 comment, "The white men that I have dated seem to be more compassionate,less aggressive, more recessive to listening, in a sense more open-minded and well rounded. The word more means to compare something against another. Here, you were making an attempt to express that you found the European American Men to be more of compassionate, less aggressive, more openminded, and well rounded as compared to African American men. I simply took your words reversed them and applied them to African American Women in comparrison with non-African Women to convey the illogial assumption you have made and the huge leap in logic you made regarding your comparison. I choose to do it in the form of a comical parody so that it would not come off as attacking your view, but showing you that Black men could make the same faulty assumptions about African American women they might have dated and blame make the same faulty illogical assumption about their finding of women of other races in comparrison with non-African American Women. Hence the comments regarding the goverment checks causin them to be to be to clingy and the Rick Ross comments.

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  3.   Balance38 says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    Elliot, Sarcasm is the lowest level of thinking. We all are adults on this blog, as you have shared your opnion I have a right to mines. I have no problems with you dating any race you choose, because you are grown, please don't under estimate my intelligence, as I will not do yours. I never really went into detais about my dislikes about black men character, I just said what I liked about white men. I stand by my word,we all like what we like and should be respected.

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  4.   Balance38 says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    Elliot, Not necessay true, somtimes we as human beings want to change someone, we see potential in this person better yet we see what we want to see.As women, we tend to have this bad. Somtimes instead of seeing things the way they are ,we tend to see things the way we want them to be and this cycle is never broken and is carried on from generation to generation. I will be a very closed minded person to say all black men are bad and vice versal for you or any other race. Until we learn as human beings to accept our flaws we will never love ourselves or anyone else. As far as the sista with the ten children and the lack of knowledge is it really all her fault or does society play a role in her ignorance. This is not a time to ridcule anyone short comings. It cost you nothing to educate the sista about Rick Ross, you did not loose one thing.I have never allowed any individual to define me,I define myself. It is not so much important how the world see you but how you see yourself. With white men, I am not in competition with my mate.There is no challenges who is right or who is wrong, just conversation, the gaining of knowledge.I can be myself.If white women make you feel that way than that is great. We all have to live accordingly to what makes us happy. Again I am comfortable with white men. Best of luck Elliot

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  5.   Elliot says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    Honeykissed, Perhaps you might want to go back and take the time to re-rad what I posted. I was poking fun at the asanine statement made by Balance 38 regarding Black men.It was a parody about her simple-minded views of Black men turned around to simple minded views of Black Women. I sought to attack the core of her belief about Black men and call into question her not taking responsibility for the negative men she willingy choose to date and then downing black men for her poor taste in men. I do not really beleive the things I posted read it again and you will see the humor like "you know the part about the 10 kids by different daddies and how that makes it hard to spend quality time together" or "the boyfriend getting out of jail and shooting my place up". I went to an HBCU full of strong positive African American Women so please indulge the humor of it and do not take offense it is simply a pardoy to respond to the rather foolish comment posted by beautiful 38.

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  6.   HoneyKissed6 says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    Elliot - I feel what you are saying about Black woman and I wont deny that, while at the same time it is a stereotype, it has been a occurrence that is persisted. I've never allowed myself close friendship with woman like that because "ignorance is contagious" and "we are the company we keep" and all that jazz. However, i do have positive black woman friends that all grew up in various environments that are not that way. Education and positive reinforcement keeps us in check. And the same stereotype that you attribute to Black woman can be found in other woman of different races. It is a learned behavior when woman do that. And maybe you only hear Black woman bragging about their independance and paying bills on time because you don't acknowledge that they can and do. And before you get to thinking it, I'm not any rapper's groupie. I have my own to manage. :)

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  7.   Elliot says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    Balance 38, Wait! I just had a brainstorm. If I am my choices and my choices are the real me. Then although I might say I wanted to date a certain type of Black women who is more compassionate,less aggressive, more recessive to listening, in a sense more open-minded and well rounded. I was only really attracted to and choosing to date Black Women who were aggressive, less recessive to listening, less open-minded beause sub-consciouly that is what I am really attracted to intimated by my choice to always date that profile of Black Women. Therefore, my problem when it comes to bad relationships with Black Women is that I am saying what type of Black Woman I would like to date, but when it comes down to the bare baones of it I am picking Black Women who in no way resemble my dating profile. Again my choices are the real me.

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  8.   HoneyKissed6 says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    In addition, I've grew up in a city ( a large one) we're the only people to be affected by interracial dating were older people, grandparents mostly. As children and young adults we didn't care, we didn't see race as differences. As far as languages, there was so much interaction that a brother could speak french and spanish or portugese, and vice versa. We assimiliated well. As I write this, this is the first time I'm noticing that my hometown is different than others. Nothing was taboo about interracial dating. The term is unheard of. Yeah, we knew that we had different skin tones but that's beautiful, right?. My husband was Puerto Rican. I didn't declare him or acknowledge him as my 'Puerto Rican' boyfriend or husband. He was simply my boyfriend or husband. No labels. When i dated a man from Trinidad, he was of mixed race and my looks were exotic to him and his family but I wasn't his black, mixed, or mulato girlfriend. I was simply his love, his woman. No one asked what race anyone was. My first fiance was Black. I wasn't introduced as a mixed breed Jew. I was just his college sweetheart. And if anyone thought differently, I never knew. We were simply people. So now that I live away from home, the racial lines are more defined, more visible. Its hard to take at times when I have no racial blinders on and others do. I never grew up thinking it was 'exotic' to be with someone of a different race. People were people. We're different but so very beautiful. And this is what prompts me to sign up for a site such as this. I have to accept that I'm not at home anymore, racial differences are more visible. That black man is confident that he'll grab my attention, that white man is interested but not sure how to approach me, that indian man is wondering if he stands a chance because he's unsure of where he fits in. It was only in this past year that I've experienced such definition between what a person likes and what a person will act on. Gone are the days when it was just simple to ask a cute guy out just because he happens to be cute.

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  9.   Elliot says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    Balance38, I do understand your very educational statement. I, myself, prefer to date everything, but Black Women because the Black woman I have associated myself with are really ghetto. They had no sense of basic morality and beleived it was ok to date men who sold crack to pregnant women as long as they were not doing it themselves. I also find that their is a significantly higher rate of STD's among black women who are more likely to go slumming in the ghetto than other races and catch diseases. I also found that their lack of education regarding the difference between fact and fiction was difficult to overcome as many Black Women seemied to beleive that the negative rap videos on BET were actually really true. I remember trying to explain to the last Black Woman I dated that Rick Ross is not really a drug dealer Black women seem to admire so much. I had to explain to her that he had a ligit job as a corrections officer. Needless to say she was hearbroken to know her hero did not actively participate in the self inflicted genocide of African Americans in America through crack sells. Also the fact that most of them have several children from men who are in prison did not make it easy to sped quality time together. Plus the fact that I actually had a job and the black women I dated did not because they received support from the government for her 10 children made her kind of clingy. Like you I find women of the non-Black race to be more compassionate,less aggressive, more recessive to listening, in a sense more open-minded and well rounded. But that is just the non-Black women I have dated. Like you I am just more comfortable with non-Black women because they never ask me for money to get their nails and herr opps...I mean hair done. Plus, with non-Black women I never have to worry about the day one of their babies daddies get out of prison and shoots my place up because I am dating his woman. Lastly, Unlike Black Women I find that non-Black women do not feel the need to brag about the fact that they pay their rent, light, electric bill, car payment, on time. I am not exaclty sure why non-black women dont brag about paying their bill obligations. Perhaps, non-black women just think paying their bills on-time is something they should do because hey are an adult. But again like you said, it is not all Black Women ust the ones I have associated myself with.

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  10.   HoneyKissed6 says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    I've, fortunely, have grown up and carried myself as that girl, the leader, the misfit and everything in between. From my music taste (KRS One to Hall and Oates) my reading habits, my speech (ghetto and proper) to my clothes (once unique and eclectic to vintage and trendy). How can I say that I like what I like and I'm comfortable in my own skin? That I own myself? That I'm not a slave to my peers? Yes, i was that girl that didn't care. I like everything that makes me me. And over the years, I cared less and less about others opinions and you know what? White men, black men, indian men, they've always liked and found me "refreshing". I don't fit a mold. I don't perpetuate a stereotype. My looks don't either. I won't say that different races don't approach me or respond to me in different ways. I've come to expect it. But I don't mold myself to meet their expectations of what I may be like. I come as is. And they find that 'refreshing'. What I found increasingly difficult is the type of men that try to mold themselves to what they "think" I may like in a man. I get annoyed by that. I don't want a white man to learn ebonics if he doesn't already speak it. I don't want a black man to act ghetto because he thinks that that is all i understand because I was raised in the hood. Yes, i was but I am literally and culturally raised, by my design. I picked you because I like who you are now, don't change yourself because I wont. I do have preferences but it isn't racially defined. It's culturally, sometimes religiously, defined. Over the course of my years, I've experimented and have decided what kind of people are best for me. For instance, I have Muslim friends but I wont date a Muslin because we don't mesh. That's my experience. I like white men. If I met a white Muslim, I wouldn't date him. We have different views and that's all there is to it. When it comes to men I date, my prefences are the same across the board. I apply the same measuring stick to all races. Yes, I have a problem with people acting a certain way to fit in but that comes after me observing them. I have white friends that act 'blacker' than blacks and black friends that act 'whiter' than whites, indian friends that fit in between and that's all because of where they grew up, their environmental conditioning. Doesn't make them any less real than the next. I've been fortunate to be with me that are comfortable in their own skin so they can understand that I'm comfortable in mine. They get my black side when i talk about wearing braids or wearing airforce one's. They get when i talk about DeBussy, Sarah Vaughn or Maroon 5. They get that I'm not trying to fit in, that these are my tastes in music, that I'm not defined to a category because I look like a black woman. When does being black mean that I can't speak proper english or have other tastes besides fried chicken and Hennessey? I can love it all. Simply put...be comfortable in your own skin and own up to what you like. Men will respect you for it. If they have a problem, its not your concern. At the end of they day, you have to look yourself in the mirror and love you for you.

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  11.   Balance38 says:
    Posted: 04 May 09

    Actually, I think both races(black and white) play a common role in stereotyping interracial dating. Like so many of you have said culture plays a high role in making a determining who we date as well as religion. I don't think it can be summarize in one race. I perfer to date white men, because of my past experienced with black men. Now that is not saying all black men are "bad".I don't know all black me. It simple says the ones that I chose to date or chose to date me left us uncompatible.The white men that I have dated seem to be more compassionate,less aggressive, more recessive to listening, in a sense more open-minded and well rounded.This is not saying this is all white men. But just the ones I have dated. I am more comfortable with white men.

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  12.   nickie810 says:
    Posted: 03 May 09

    Hi Cuppucinooo, I love how you put it. 'we are all part of the human race'. We are attacted to what we are attracted to - the end.

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  13.   starthai says:
    Posted: 02 May 09

    Interesting Glock, I think I remember reading that somewhere also.

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  14.   jrlocks33 says:
    Posted: 02 May 09

    Glock, thanks for posting that... I think that certain issues get confused and people in general forget that EVERY culture & race has their own dialect... Is a white, Chinese, Indian, Spaniard who was raised in a predominantly black place ie Africa, Carribeans, or South America (Specifcally Guyana (the only black country in South America) considered to be "Acting or talking black"? Therefore trying to be black because they know a dialect the Europeans & American whtes are unable to understand (ie patois) or are they the exceptions to the `tlking black and acting black phenomenon??? My point being some non BLACKS who speak a dialect, do so strictly due to the environment that they grew up in & not because they are attemping to perpertrate a front.... Just as some blacks like myself who was born in the carribean can speak the Queens english when I want but at the same time when I am with family members and friends I speak to them in patois just because it's our comfort zone. Where I grew up in our community we all spoke pig-latin (ALL the people in burgundy) and we are recognized as people who lived in a certain districts because we spoke it! My point being each culture & ethnicity has a code of language that is their own... I am South American BLACK who speaks English, pig-latin (street dialect), and patois (Jamaican & Guyanese) but find it dificult at times understanding American blacks when they begin to speak their own dialect from the neighbourhood their from... Just as I find it extremely difficult at times to understand my European (From ENGLAND) cousins who start to speak their dialect (Has any1 watched Britain Got talent????? Damn sometimes I don`t know what the hell is being said & I speak english (just not cockney)... Really sometimes not everything is about race... But some people find it an easier explanation than just trying to think deeper... No ofense to anyne.. Just my thoughts ;-o)

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  15.   Glock says:
    Posted: 02 May 09

    I had read an article years ago from Professor Walter Williams (in fact you may be able to find it online), where he talks about the origins of "Ebonics". Many people believe it is a pattern of speech that comes from black Americans. His research shows that it actually comes from white Englanders, not Blacks.

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  16.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 02 May 09

    @ girlidiva I agree with jrlocks33 comment and I understand your point of view as well but I disagree with your saying, " You're basically saying that all blk people are supposed to talk street sland or down-south twang (whatever that is). All I was saying was BE YOURSELF and not what you think the one you're dating would like you to be because that just may be the thing to turn them off! How does that make me intolerant of blacks and white of other cultures? You lost me! We disagree and that much we do agree on! LOL Much Love!

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  17.   girlsixdiva says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    NOPLAYER I don't know why you keep saying I'm the one who brought up the "black/white" speech thing. Go back and read your earlier post where you were talking about your friend: "He said the “Hillary Banks” (Fresh Prince of Bel Air) type of BW is not his type, she’s black but she’s no SISTA and if he wanted a WW he’d date one. I was like, OK I hear ya! I can relate to what he’s saying because when I started dating WW, I myself was turned off by those who seemed to act like, “well in with a BM so I’ll act like I’m blk” and that didn’t cut it for me at all." That's in your own words right there sweetie, that you have an intolerance for Black as well as White people of other cultures. You were basically saying that all Black people are supposed to talk in street slang or down-south twang, and all whites are supposed to act like valley girls or speak proper English. I guess you feel guilty about saying that and are now trying to turn your words around? If you scroll up and read jrlocks33 comment she also pretty much sums up what I am saying.

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  18.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    jrlocks33 and starthai thanks for you input. All I was saying from the beinging is to BE YOURSELF no matter who you date. As my co-worker (he is a WM that only dates BW)said in so many words, he don't want no cream in his coffee, he likes it BLK! He went on to say that BW have their own flavor that's theirs and theirs alone and thats what he loves about them, be she from Brooklyn or Alabama. @ girlsixdiva Now, back to this talking like you're blk or wht. Some of our greatest speakers (Malcolm X and Dr. MLK) for example, mastered the english language and were highly skilled in it's use but when you heard them speak, even if your never saw their face, there was no doubt in your mind as to what ethnic group they belonged to. They didn't sound or talk like white men but they were very brilliant and let it be known, when they were around their peers they talked like the comman people around them. I don't have to speak like a Harvard profesor to be understand by those who understand english. My style or my method of speaking comes as a result of my environment and having two parents that were from the Deep South. I can express myself best when I don't have to step away from what I've already mastered and that's the ability to say alot with as few words as possible. Example, ask a person that speaks so-called correct english, " where is your mother?" and they'll reply, " my mother is not hear". Five words to reply to a question. In ebonics or slang or whatever you call it, I can answer the question in only two words, "she gone"! Quick, fast and to the point, without making whats easy complicated. This method of speaking is an offshoot from the patterns of some African dialects that have survived over the centuries with blks in America. When you feel you have to match vocabularies with other people to prove your intelligence, that means you're somehow convinced in your own mind that they're better than you and your own way of expressing your thoughts is inferior. I only need a person to understand what I say, I'm not out to impress them by how well I say it! As far acting like you got good sense being equated with acting wht, I never said that, because I trully believe "YO MAMA'S HOME TRAINING" should be able to keep you on good standing with everyone from poor uneducated rural folks to royalty! Wishing you the best! james

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  19.   snapdrag44 says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    By the way Mr. Elliot, my 21 year old is well aware of my views and he turned out just fine. I have a 10 year old that knows I love him because I tell him everyday. My oldest prefers blackwomen. Oh, and by the way he is bi-racial. It is up to the parent to teach their children that color shouldn't matter. I never said I do not like black men, I have found that my attraction is stronger with white. The other races are not attracted to me and that is ok. So please save the psych. evaluation, I'm good and so are my sons. :)

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  20.   starthai says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    "Eminem wannabees get all the attention from black women. Many younger black women end up learning the hard way that what a man sounds like or dances like doesnt equate with long term compatability. (sigh)" Kanzan this is surprising to me I find, including myself, that many bw who prefer white men don't want the "Eminem" type.

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  21.   jrlocks33 says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    sorry 4 the typos

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  22.   jrlocks33 says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    KANZAN... ;-o) I will respectfuly disagree with what you said because I think you are using a minority (in terms of numbers) and applying it to a whole... I also think that it is dependant upon what type of woman you are looking for... As a BW who grew up in the "Ghetto", went to an all black school for 2 years in elementary & then swithched to a school in the "upper class" neighbourhood, I have had the luxury of mixing blending, & befriending many people from all walks of life and many cultures... I believe you don't go looking for oranges in an apple orchard... With that being said... I like a man of any race, culture who can blend in while being himself and for me it is an extreme TURN OFF when some1 who is not black tries and act black (whatever that may mean??? Because I think when some people say that the use the word BLACK & EQUATE it to GHETTO)... I don't think that all BLACK people speak Eubonics and it's kinda insulting for you to think that that's what a BW is looking for in a WM or any non-black male they choose to date... Just as there are different classes of black people there are different classes of whites... So then are you saying a WW living in a poor "trailor park" (just stereotyping) going out with a semi-conservative BM wants him to act & speak like one of the trailor park boys???? I have several WM friends who if you spoke wth them on the phone you would'nt be able to tell what ethnicity they are & to be honest they seem to be reaping the benefits for that... Personally, I am looking for a male that I can take ANYWHERE and he knows how to comport hisself & be comfortable doing so... But most importantly I want hime to be tru to hisself first cause only then cn he be true to me...

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  23.   salsera77 says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    starthai, I know the saying already. You qualified your statement and I qualified mine with "IF". No error there. Yes jrlocks the questions to get back on track were: do you think White people influence the composition of interracial dating in the U.S.? Do racial stereotypes as portrayed by the media influence racial preference and choice in the internet dating scene? What other factors could be making Black women and Asian men the least preferred groups?

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  24.   Kanzan says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    Salsera Salsera ~ indeed. JRLocks - the original subject about sterotypes in interracial dating is one I sometimes agree with, especially regarding white men. In fact, people are usually shocked to hear me speak because sooo many whites think that if a white man dates a black woman then he probably speaks "Ebonics". Unfortunately, I actually see that's usually the case myself here in the Midwest (Wonderbread America). Semi-conservative white men like myself are usually kept on the sidelines while the younger Eminem wannabees get all the attention from black women. Many younger black women end up learning the hard way that what a man sounds like or dances like doesnt equate with long term compatability. (sigh)

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  25.   chellebelle6 says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    I find this blog extremely interesting! I often have opinions but someone beats me to the punch with an insightful comment...lol I agree with many comments and disagree as well. However, I'm glad we have outlet for our frustrations and misunderstandings. I must admit while others are extremely comfortable dating WM, this is my first interaction. I'm happy for those of you that find it so natural... And please don't beat me up on this! I just didn't know when WM were hitting on me... It was different. Not so much now, going on 3mos. :) For all you veteran daters, I'm opening my mind to new possiblities of love. I moved from Michigan to Arizona and was surprised to see so many WM married to or dating BW. I started viewing WM in a new light. It was almost like I never saw them before as crazy as that sounds. I was just use to BM, their approach and demeaner. That's why when I started reading the comments on this blog I was comforted by the fact that many women were experiencing some of the same issues. Although, I must admit some of you not intentionally made me feel bad that it didn't happen so naturally for me. I do understand that's my own hang up. Anyway...just wanted to jot down a few of my thoughts. Have a good evening! :)

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  26.   jrlocks33 says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    WOW HOW THIS DISCUSSION HAS TURNED... & WHAT WAS THE ORIGINAL TOPIC AGAIN? DOES ANY1 EVEN REMEMBER?

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  27.   starthai says:
    Posted: 01 May 09

    To salsera77, Trust that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, with that being said where in my latest post did I refer to you or anyone specifically? I'm not sure why you feel the need to take offense to what I stated, but that's your error. I hope this cleared things up and agree we move on.

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  28.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    @ girlsixdiva First, I never said, YOU said that I said it's wrong for blk people to talk like they're educated and have good sense and when they do they're acting wht. Since when did wht people have a monopoloy on being educated, intelligent and having civilized manners? Answer this, if acting like you got good sense is acting wht, then what is acting blk? Second, I can appreciate other cultures without trying to adopt that culture, I live in Germany, I have German friends, I speak the language and I have a German wife and two 1/2 German children but I'm still a blk man, no big deal, right! I'm just being me! You are right, skin color should not define who you are, your culture should. You don't have to feel sorry for me because, it's not that serious. Best wishes! @ Seancarter03 I hear what your saying ! Peace !

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  29.   ebonegirl says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    OOPS... didn't mean to double post....

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  30.   ebonegirl says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    Glock.... Good to see you again! You look great.

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  31.   ebonegirl says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    BTW, Glock, good to see you again. You look great!

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  32.   ebonegirl says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    WOW! So many great comments and wonderful insight. As for me, I'm primarily attracted to white men, but have also dated a hispanic man from the site. I am still looking for my last true love. I've found that a lot of the WM I've met on the site are attracted to me primarily for my darker hue..they call it the admired "contrast"...LOL... In GA, the WM are attracted to BW, but I don't believe it's for a real, true and lasting relationship. It's more of a physical desire and I'm just not wanting that (only). I know that I'm a great woman who has a lot to offer and, yes, I do prefer WM, but it's not an experiment for me. I don't find it difficult at all to attract a WM, but they hardly ever contact me first. So, I say to all the WM who are truly interested in a meaningful relationship with a BW, PLEASE let us know :) As was already said, most BW are traditional in that we prefer a man to 'find' us.

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  33.   lilysky says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    Superlite27 you are absolutely correct. By not giving signs we close the door to an opportunity.However I live in a country where white men have pigeonholed themselves into not so nice guys, so putting yourself out there as a woman of any other race is hard. Never the less they actually do like us, but the fear of other people's opinion is far greater. I'm lucky to have met one who isn't like that.

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  34.   sassyvixen says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    Cappuccinooo, U nailed it.

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  35.   Cappuccinooo says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    As a woman with a mixed race child and who comes from a very mixed family, first of all we have to think about how we think. It's not "dating outside your race" because our race is the human race and we are not dating elephants! It's a lot different here in London, UK, it's more of a class thing when it's comes to dating. We have to stop putting up barriers. If you like someone, because you like the look of them, go for it. A middle class Jewish male friend of mine, married a black working class woman and they are the happiest people I know, despite initial problems from his family. A lot of the stereotypes are to blame and we have to learn to separate TV and the "uber" race rubbish they pump out at us everywhere and just live and be happy. Peace Out!!!!

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  36.   salsera77 says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    Kanzan, Kanzan, if only you lived closer. ....and also I know many BW that want to date WM but there's no feedback / follow through from WM. Many are traditional and are used to men taking the lead, showing interest in some way.

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  37.   salsera77 says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    To: starthai & cc: hazelpride: Let me make something perfectly crystal clear here. I never said I cared one iota if somebody didn't like my skin color or that I'm concerned about being attractive because of my skin color. I loovvvvvvvvvvvvvvveee the skin I'm in and many men of ALL types have told me THEY DO TOO! I've had NO complaints and I'm not complaining. Conversely I’ve received envious and jealous attitudes from BW which you also couldn’t pay me to care about. But that’s a topic for another site now isn’t it? As a matter of course, if you go back and read my comments when the subject of light skin was first introduced by butterfly353, I said I laughed it off when someone told me to move to Canada, that the "phenomena" that was brought up was Sad, and then I invited WM to weigh in on the subtopic as a courtesy to butterfly353 and canjamgirl. I did not want to just dismiss their claims as mere fantasy and was trying to be kind in doing so. So with that said, I do not appreciate the comment "messed up in the head" IF I was one of the intended targets of that statement. You really don't know who you are talking about and have jumped the gun before knowing. Now that I’ve gone into the tiny details behind my original writing I hope this is the last time I’ll need to replay this part because quite frankly it’s getting old and I hope we can move on.

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  38.   Kanzan says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    I dont know why more people on here arent discussing the negative feedback alot of women of color receive from dating white men, especially black and hispanic women (but black women in particular). The overwhelming majority of black women in America will not date a white man because they feel "obligated" to show support for the black man who is still suffering in America (in many aspects). Nobody likes rejection (and Im no different), so why ask someone out that belongs to a group that overwhelmingly prefers not to date white men?

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  39.   jrlocks33 says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    This is to M.Eliott I have been following this course of correspondence for several days and really I am intrigued by what a lot of people have said... But just to comment on your statement regarding the psychological impact of race preference and children... I happen to agree... As I stated before I was in a relationship with a WM for 11 years + and have bi-racial children... I could NEVER see myself negating a BM solely based on his color... I was raised with both parents and grew up in a family where Black equated to pride... I think because of black history but specifically my history I try and raise my children to LOVE themselves ... I am most proud when my son (7yrs old) cuddles up to me and touches my hair and looks at my face and tells me I am beautiful! I think whatever PERSON any1 chooses to date should not be based on skin color but rather attraction, affection, love, friendship and whatever else rocks your boat! This is not to say that a person can't have preferences because we all do! But really if you alienate yourself from an entire RACE based on a previous relationship then are you truly open to the concept of finding true love? I live in Canada (Montreal) which is a very multi-cultural city... I have seen inter-racial couples that would make even the most liberal give a "side-eye" for purely the surprise of it all... My thing is if we (different cultures) can open ourselves up to ALL possibilities then all possibilities open themselves up to us! I think it's ironic that on this IR site where LOVE is supposed to be color blind there are people limiting themselves and even sometimes sending out a negative vibe against their own... Hey I am open to all possiblities! This is for gigi6672 Go ahead girl! I agree totally...

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  40.   Seancarter03 says:
    Posted: 30 Apr 09

    NOPLAYER, I wasn't saying that you shouldn't be who you are. We get one life(as far as we know) and you should love it and live it the way you want. I just have a problem with the criticism that come with not fitting into a box other people try to make for you. We have been conditioned to believe that just because a person might look similar to another they are pretty much the same person despite their own individual experiences.

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  41.   girlsixdiva says:
    Posted: 29 Apr 09

    "NOPLAYER" your comment still doesn't make a lick of sense and actually contradicted what you said before. First you say it's wrong for Black people to talk and act like we are educated and have sense, and you said if we act that way we are "acting white". I truly feel sorry for you and anyone else here if that's what you believe. Then you go back and say that everyone should appreciate other cultures and it's ok to be different. Make up your mind! Also that comment you made about people from other countries dogging each other for acting like they are from a different country makes no sense either, because if you are born and raised in one country then move somewhere else where the people speak differently and have different mannerisms, you're actually being fake by trying to be something you're not. Same goes for people here in the U.S. Your skin color does not define who you are. If you think it does, then you are judging people based on stereotypes. Go and think about that.

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  42.   nikkiboxers says:
    Posted: 29 Apr 09

    In reference to my earlier comments & the unfriendly response thereafter. Wow. This is not a personal fire at anyone. My children are fine. They are individuals & know exactly what they want from life. I think it is also very immature for someone to imply about anothers parenting skills. It seems that certain individuals have made this a personal issue, but point being is that everyone has a right to their opinion. The question was is ther racial sterotype in online dating? Absolutely! It's really hard out here for African American women, first being a woman & then being black. My blog comments are not in any way geared towards any particular individual who has commented thus far. All comments are generalizations. Let's keep it that way!

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  43.   hazelpride says:
    Posted: 29 Apr 09

    I can't help but enjoy this blog, Starthai you nailed it when you said that the attractive ones seem messed up in the head. In my opinion I have also found this to be true, I totally agree with Noplayer on loving ourselves and appreciating who we really are. I am from an African background and the problem I face with man WM is that they base a lot on what they read and hear and just assume, because I am African, I led a poor life, I am very materialistic, and it is the negative aspect of being African that they seem to know. We have loads of positive aspects and I always educate those who come across me. Most are suprised to learn that most African people lead pretty normal lives. Yes we should not really change who we are for other people unless of course it interfere with work. Like in my case evertime I am at work I have to speak slowly, very white for most people to understand me, yet as soon as I am in my comfort zone I can be able to speak well in my language. I think as BW we have a lot going for us and we should embrace it.

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  44.   NOPLAYER says:
    Posted: 29 Apr 09

    @ starthai you are right I know I'll get beat down for this but I'll put an ice pack on my head and take two asprin when it's over. LOL I fully understand where you're comming from. Depending on where a person grows up that could affect his or her method of speaking. Would it be safe to say that association can breed assimilation? I understand that as children we want to fit in with those around us but as you mature you should grow out of changing who you are to fit in with those around you! As a child it was beat into my head, "BE YOURSELF" and I've never felt the need to stray from that. I've went to school with other ethnic groups, played sports with them and served over 9 years in the army with them without having to change anything about me. When I started dating WW and started hanging around more IR couples and wht couples I didn't feel the need to adapt to a different setting, with me, "what you see is what you get" because anything else would be fake! Enough on that! @ seancarter03 I wasn't talking about speaking proper english are using correct grammar. I agree the thug mentality, the swagger or any of the other negative behaviors sometimes associated with urban blacks is not accepted in professional settings. I feel if I have to turn ME off and turn on SOMEONE other than ME to be accepted in professional america or to make others comfortable with me, maybe I have no business working there or associating with that group of people. @girlixdiva in every country you have people of different cultures, as BM I have a culture that links me with an ethnic group just as other people have. I've been all over Europe and the Middle East and people are fiercely proud of there particular culture and they come down hard on those who act in a manner other than there own culture. For example here in Germany, the Turks, the Greeks and Italians really dog those amongst them for acting like Germans. In England those of Asian ethnic back grounds (Indian and Pakistani) how do they treat those that act too much like the British? I'm not saying it's right but American is not the only country that has people who pick on others for acting like another people from a different ethnic group. What crime is there in admitting that people are different, we can accept that there are diferrences in everything in physical creation, we agree that animals, plants, even rocks are different. We get degrees from universities to study and to know the differences in these things but we cant accept that humans have differences, what kind of sh*t is this? I have a love and deep appreciation for other cultures, all people have that special something about them that makes them unique even if it's different than my own culture. I think the beauty of IR dating and marriage is that two people can step out from their group to love and be with someone different than themselves without having to give up who they are as an individual. There are stereotypes and generalizations about all ethnic groups, positive but most of the time negative but I'm not divorcing myself from my culture or my people for the sake of making my mate comfortable and I'd never expect her to do that for me. In closing, I once had a Latina say to me," James you know what I like most about you", and I asked what is it, and she replied," you're SO BLACK"! When you really appreciate and love yourself others cant help but be attracted to you, so DO YOU! I know that wasn't correct grammar but I'm sure ya heard me! Peace and best wishes to all!

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  45.   salsera77 says:
    Posted: 29 Apr 09

    girlsixdiva, the study came from an interracial magazine called "Interface" but it was done in 1997. I haven't seen any other studies that are more recent.

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  46.   sweetcocoa says:
    Posted: 29 Apr 09

    I agree with this statement regarding racial stereotyping in interracial dating. I've been on several dating sites-interracial and noninterracial. When viewing some profiles of guys, I notice under their preferences for race they will list Asian, Hispanic, White, Native American and even green if its on there but NOT black/African. I have been contacted by many guys that don't list "black" as a preference and I quickly point it out to them. I also get black guys contacting me on interracial sites when ummmmm it's clear they weren't looking for a sister. In talking to many white guys, if they don't KNOW you're interested in them---they'll just look/speak and go on. Many say they feel a black female isn't interested in them, they have nothing cultural in common with them but sex (IGNORANT), or they even feel intimidated. I just feel it's what type of an attraction a man has for a female thus disavowing the many stereo types :) I say if you want it, go for it! It's time to stop all of the nonsense. Black women are some of the most beautiful, stable women in the world! Somewhere along the way, we've just been given a bad rap!

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  47.   girlsixdiva says:
    Posted: 28 Apr 09

    NOPLAYER wtf is "Acting" or "talking" black or white?? I swear the United States is the only country with that type of ignorant thinking. I never hear about people in other countries picking on each other for talking or "acting" a race.

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  48.   girlsixdiva says:
    Posted: 28 Apr 09

    Hey salsera, what interracial magazine were you referring to?

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  49.   fkoi says:
    Posted: 28 Apr 09

    Wheehew! This post opened a much bigger can of worms than I thought it would (I know where have I been, right?). First off, most folks tend to mate, date and reproduce with other folks like themselves. That is how those differences have lasted all this time. A large part of that has been geographical of course but today those decisions rest on choices influenced by a whole host of reasons not the least of which are peer/familial pressure and the media. However, that fact blows up the second paragraph of the original post. The next two paragraphs deal with media-stereotypes of which I'm not even aware. Is Lucy Lu "ultra-feminine?" Was Bruce Lee "asexual?" Who are these bossy Black women? And if Pam Grier's Foxy Brown wasn't sexy when she said, "You just handle the justice, and I'll handle the revenge myself," I'm missing something. And if Roseanne was when she said, "Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt."...'nuff said. And if you think that White (men mostly) affect the media and through that the perception of damn near everything because they are "the most preferred racial group" for dating, take a look at Aaron Spelling, Rupert Murdoch and Larry King. These three guys have influenced media more than almost any trio in the last 75 years anyway. I'm sure their loved ones love them but... There have been so many good points made here. M.Elliot's riff about culture vs. melanin for example. The prejudice a number of folks mentioned about light skin (Gentlemen, behold Can Jam, Chelle Belle, Butterfly and Salsera. Light or dark, these ladies would WOW!) versus dark skin (ironically a reverse of a long-held preferences for light over dark, in the U.S. anyway, right Hazel P.?). Large builds versus small (the media hard at work. C'mon thick or thin is a preference but doesn't negate the beauty of the other). I am attracted to whom, not to what, I am attracted. Not 'coz I hate myself (I don't date tall, athletic, blonde men) but 'coz I like whom I like. If we don't hit it off it doesn't mean you are wrong or less than. Gigi, I have to say that Texas only seceded after Sam Houston was removed from office because he was anti-slavery and pro-Union. He probably would have been elected President instead of Lincoln if his party hadn't been so petty. Oh and you rock that hat!! Sailor good to see you on board and laughing.

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  50.   Glock says:
    Posted: 28 Apr 09

    Often times blacks in general may grow up in a predominately white neighborhood, and by doing so talk "white". It's not necessarily that they are trying to "act" white but rather talk in a manner which represents the environment they were raised. My ex was one. Raised in a white neighborhood and talked "white", yet talked "black" when she was around her black friends. I guess she felt she needed to be "authentic".

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