How Can I Be So Good at Dating and Still Not Find Love?

Here is an email I got from one of our readers, Alex:

I am 26 and, while I have a career and a master’s degree, I don’t want to get so sucked into that part of my life that I miss out on having a great relationship. As you’ve said, these things take time.

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However, I’m starting to get worried that I’m a little *too good* at dating. I set up at least one date a week online, I have a section of my wardrobe intended for first dates and have a copy and paste “I had a great time, but you’re not the one” text message in my phone. I’m great at moving on, letting go and not spending time on someone I don’t see as a potential husband.

The thing is, this isn’t fun. I don’t feel like I’m getting closer to finding love. I feel like I’m learning how to be unattached and on my own, not connected and in love. I go on lots of second or higher dates, but those are only in the name of giving someone a fair chance, not because I really like them. Is this what I’m supposed to be doing? How are these skills going to help me in a relationship if I do find one? Or am I in fantasy land about the kind of connection I should be feeling? Maybe I should just pick someone and see if I develop feelings after being in a long-term relationship? It sounds a little like that’s maybe what you did, but then again, I’m not sure. What is the best way to go about this process when you’re young to be done at a time you can still have kids?

Thank you, Alex

Dear Alex,

You may be surprised to hear this, but I’m not at all worried about you.

In fact, you’re dating the way I recommend all women date – from a place of confidence and abundance, rather than fear and insecurity.

Call it dating like a man or being the CEO of your love life, but either way, you are doing exactly what one should do – especially at the age of 26 – cycling through men until you find a guy you really like, as opposed to wasting time on men who don’t stand a chance.

You’re dating the way I recommend all women date – from a place of confidence and abundance, rather than fear and insecurity.

Rejecting 90% of men off the bat is not an exercise in relationship skills, per se, but it is an exercise in confidence and patience. It takes a strong woman to say no to the wrong fit. It takes a strong woman to stay positive and continue on her quest. Don’t minimize the value of that. From my vantage point, the skill of persevering is more important than being “good” at dating.

As to your question about whether you’re in fantasyland about the kind of connection you should be feeling? Yes, you probably are. But I trust you will realize that on your own after enough charming men end up disappointing you. I learned this lesson the hard way over 10 years. Most happily married people draw the same conclusions I do.

It’s not about intense chemistry, which is illusory and not predictive of compatibility.

It’s not about “just picking someone” to force yourself to build attraction where there is none.

The skill of persevering is more important than being “good” at dating.

It’s – as always – about the space in between the two. How do you find that when it sounds so rare as to be impossible? Well, that’s why I created Love U – to walk you through the entire process of understanding men and making smart relationship choices on your own.

And, please, don’t worry: you’re about ten years ahead of most of my clients when they reach out to me. If you graduate Love U by the end of the year, you will have all the time in the world to date, make a few mistakes, and still be able to choose your Mr. Right in time to have kids. Promise.

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