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Can you love tenderly and still maintain lusty-steamy sex?

Posted by James, 28 Aug

Couples who have been married for long find themselves resisting sexual eroticism. Its even harder when one spouse want to keep the lust alive and the other just wants to keep love making simple. For most, caring deeply about a spouse takes lust from the whole equation; its like there is a choice between tender loving care and lustful feelings - which are often aroused by other women (and men) who aren’t in the relationship.

For some men – I included – tender loves comes at a price. Sadly, the price is... the lack sexual heat and lustful seduction. I find it somehow disrespectful for the woman involved. Most men find themselves treading on this tight rope. And when the woman complains about it, the result in most cases is less sex.

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These struggles are quite common that it makes me wonder… Is lustful passion so objectifying that it can’t coexist with tender love?

During courtship, we usually have no issues maintaining the sexual heat. So what happens when commitment checks in?

Looking at how sex is portrayed in films, lust is clearly divorced from tenderness. A man grabs the woman, pushes her against the wall, practically presses his lips on her, the nibbles seem somewhat hurting (but oh no… they aren’t) …. Sooooo HOT!!! Then compare this with a married couple in bed; tender kiss on cheek, snuggles … tender yes … not as hot though.

Both men and women alike get confused. It’s like it’s either one or the other. I know there are couples who have no trouble merging these two extremes. These lucky couples can move flawlessly from gentle sexual experiences to the rough animalistic encounters that leave one screaming “Ga! Ga! Ga!” For such couples, the emotion of love is brought into some steamy physical expression … spiritual yet steamy!

Its not easy to explain why this happens to some couples and not to others. During dating, its easy to merge both tenderness and lust because for some reason, couples feel like they have nothing to lose; plus you have to impress. But I think its all guided by a concoction of trust issues, control, religion, society’s view of lustful expression of love and fear of becoming unlovable.

On one hand, society urges us to freely express our sexual desires; on the other hand society judges those who do harshly – even those in committed relationships. As a result, we retreat to our shells.

So how can we maintain sexual heat without compromising the loving connection?

When we give less attention to our genitals, and more attention to the sensual stuff (scent, touch of skin against skin, sound); when you explore ones entire body, eroticism and tenderness emerge. Playfulness is also creates a deep connection between individuals. Turn the childlike play into erotic play. Trust me, something as simple as laughter has a way of loosening people up.

The other thing we forget to do is making our spouses feel loved, desired and sexy all at the same time. So when you deprive the person you love of such feelings, they will definitely go into some cage. Also, fantasizing about someone else when you are with your partner re-awakens the animal in you. Try switching from imagining you are with someone else and back to your partner. Better still, why not fantasize about that moment your partner lusted after you and made passionate love to you.

Talk about it and put your defenses aside … move away from your comfort zones as a couple. Ladies, make your man know that lustful expressions of love won’t be interpreted as objectification. Men, allow your woman to express herself by assuring her that exploring her inner stripper won’t be viewed as “slutty”.

In the end it takes two… it takes practice. I believe loving and lusty are not exclusive to one another by nature. So are sexy and spiritual. Look at it as an adventure. If your spouse is loving enough, I believe he/she will be more than willing to explore with you these ‘uncomfortable’ territories which will bring the two of you even closer.

Love and Lust…

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25 responses to "Can you love tenderly and still maintain lusty-steamy sex?"

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  1.   tommysue says:
    Posted: 06 Sep 11

    Just would like to comment on this topic briefly,I have just recently come to the conclusion that no matter how much you really care for that special one and all your hopes and dreams are to be with that person ,don't let yourself become fooled into believing that he cares for you and you only because Ihave recently been made aware that he is visiting this site.So was it love or lust .Just thank.ful I saw the LIGHT.

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  2.   It_wasn't_me says:
    Posted: 28 Jul 11

    I speak from my own experience, but lust can definitely live side by side with love. Each one of us has their own word to describe that deep desire that one person brings out in you.. I prefer 'lust ' because [to me] it perfectly describes that wanting for the person that owns your heart. I love unconditionally and lust the same way. I do apologize if I insult someone but I could not pass this without a comment.

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  3.   mts2sea says:
    Posted: 18 Apr 11

    WOW! Who is this guy serenity33...let it go. It's just semantics.

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  4.   Dejuana says:
    Posted: 06 Mar 11

    I'm new to this site and just picked up on this blog. The Bible says the marriage bed is undefiled. Which to me means go for whatever makes the two of you happy. I believe it ceases to be lust when love comes into play. Does love exclude sexual desire? I think not, I think it enables a married couple to feel safe in their sexual explorations due to the love commitment. Grant it I am talking about a committed relationship of love and just a girlfriend or boyfriend. As long as there is no binding committment of love there will always be trust issues which lead to the love/lust issues.

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  5.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 15 Oct 10

    Lust is a bad thing and doesn’t translate as desire. You think couples that truly love each other don’t desire each other sexually? Lust is indiscriminate desire for sex while true love in a committed relationship is desire for your one and only and no one else. Wikipedia definition of lust: “Lust is a craving for sexual intercourse, which can sometimes assume a violent or self-indulgent character. In the three major Abrahamic religions, it is considered a sin. ” Wikipedia definition of desire: “a sense of longing or hoping” Wikipedia definition of love: The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure (“I loved that meal”) to intense interpersonal attraction (“I love my wife”) Lust is bad. True love is good and leads to faithfulness and still sexual attraction to just one person, your spouse. Lust often leads to divorce and all of its horrible consequences, so true love should be sought after, not lust. But you have to distinguish between lust and love. Lust goes for anyone and love is sexual desire only for your partner. Lust causes you to go astray by its very definition. If you are in a long term married relationship, you need love, not lust so you don’t stray and end up with infidelity and divorce. Is there anyone married on here who could comment because of course single men are going to think lust is important but fidelity with your passion is the most important part. Otherwise we are just like animals with no sense of fidelity to our partner. We could easily go on to the next one if presented with it. So bottom line, don't get married if you are just lusting after your partner. Do the world a favor and sleep around and stay single. But don't get married and create another divorce or messed up marriage for me to have to try and fix as a marriage counselor.

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  6.   IMTHEBAT says:
    Posted: 09 Oct 10

    yes I think that it can becouse if you are confident in who your partner is, and you love them 4 the right reasons then God will suport the marriage bed

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  7.   kissime says:
    Posted: 30 Sep 10

    I agree, Serenity33. But I'm also very open minded--so if one chooses to be promiscuous that's their choice as well...just make sure to make it known to your encounters (wishful hope)

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  8.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 21 Sep 10

    Don't worry. It is better to repress it if you aren't in a happy committed relationship. Most people just go the other way and become promiscuous and don't even try for real love any more. They just go for sex and never think about trying to find true love again. I think you made the wiser choice in your situation.

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  9.   fenway2k says:
    Posted: 20 Sep 10

    And I tend to agree with newawlunz guy: Lust is translated as desire and is very healthy in a relationship. While I have never cheated on a woman, I have experienced relationships where a woman is so 'reserved' and had so many control issues that she NEVER initiated sex. She seemed to get off on having me come to her, just so she could reserve the option of denial. I can tell you that did not last long.

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  10.   fenway2k says:
    Posted: 20 Sep 10

    In the words of Martin Lawrence: Guys, which would you prefer? A woman who caresses your cheek and says, "Make love to me." Or a woman who grabs you by the back of the neck and says," I want you to phuck the sh!t out of me?" headnubianincharge.com

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  11.   kissime says:
    Posted: 19 Sep 10

    Can you love tenderly and still maintain lusty-steamy sex? ...I don't know...I don't remember...it's been too long to remember. I've repressed all sexual feelings. Thanks for the reminder, James. Posting this topic should be illegal. Your Crime : Interruption of Selective Amnesia Punishment: Water torture for 2 years (Yes, 2 years-the time should fit the crime) Water will slowly dripped onto your forehead, eventually driving you insane. And you will get no pleasure out of this. With Love, Kissime

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  12.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 04 Sep 10

    So according to that logic which I agree with, hopefully couples can work on becoming more fulfilled and secure so no lusting or cheating goes on and they stay happily together.

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  13.   2sexyb says:
    Posted: 01 Sep 10

    In a mutually committed relationship its equal. You both want and appreciate each other. Men are no more lustful than women. In terms of liking the article, it will vary depending on the honestly level. In general, women lust after things and men lust after things and sex. Lust comes from unfulfillment and insecurity.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 23 Oct 10

      So according to that logic which I agree with, hopefully couples can work on becoming more fulfilled and secure so no lusting or cheating goes on and they stay happily together. I think you hit the nail right on the head.

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  14.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 31 Aug 10

    All right 2sexyb!! That is what I want to hear and from a lady. You nailed it right on the head. I wish more women and especially men were like you. Do you think men usually think in terms of lust in a committed relationship more than women? You did an excellent description and better than me. I really value your opinion so what do you think about my question? Is it more men than women in general that think like article?

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  15.   2sexyb says:
    Posted: 31 Aug 10

    A woman wants a man that she can trust and not a fool that is in lust! Love and passion are a part of life. It should be hot in and out of bed. If not, you are in the wrong relationship. Love, desire, lust as descriptons are rarely agreed upon. Are you lusting when you desire the unknown depths of unknown passion with the spiritual side of your nature along the mind, body, spiritual essence? Reckless abandonment and focus upon what is love as an experience with oneself? Is that lust? Even if lovemaking is allowed to become unrestricted between two people is it lust? Terms need to be defined and redefinded as enlightenment grows. The greater the degree of trust in her man, the greater a woman feels passion.

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  16.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 10

    But you have to distinguish between lust and love. Lust goes for anyone and love is sexual desire only for your partner. Lust causes you to go astray by its very definition. If you are in a long term married relationship, you need love, not lust so you don't stray and end up with infidelity and divorce. Is there anyone married on here who could comment because of course single men are going to think lust is important but fidelity with your passion is the most important part. Otherwise we are just like animals with no sense of fidelity to our partner. We could easily go on to the next one if presented with it. Any ladies that are into commitment want to comment on the difference between lust and love?

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  17.   JimShorts says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 10

    i dont agree with ya seren - i think like nawlunz does. desire, passion n lust r vital parts of a relationship. itz healthy to have stemy romance with your partner.

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 23 Oct 10

      But you have to distinguish between lust and love. Lust goes for anyone and love is sexual desire only for your partner. Lust causes you to go astray by its very definition. If you are in a long term married relationship, you need love, not lust so you don’t stray and end up with infidelity and divorce. Is there anyone married on here who could comment because of course single men are going to think lust is important but fidelity with your passion is the most important part. Otherwise we are just like animals with no sense of fidelity to our partner. We could easily go on to the next one if presented with it. Any ladies that are into commitment want to comment on the difference between lust and love?

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  18.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 10

    Lust is a bad thing and doesn't translate as desire. You think couples that truly love each other don't desire each other sexually? Lust is indiscriminate desire for sex while true love in a committed relationship is desire for your one and only and no one else. Wikipedia definition of lust: "Lust is a craving for sexual intercourse, which can sometimes assume a violent or self-indulgent character. In the three major Abrahamic religions, it is considered a sin. " Wikipedia definition of desire: "a sense of longing or hoping" Wikipedia definition of love: The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure ("I loved that meal") to intense interpersonal attraction ("I love my wife") Lust is bad. True love is good and leads to faithfulness and still sexual attraction to just one person, your spouse. Lust often leads to divorce and all of its horrible consequences, so true love should be sought after, not lust.

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  19.   Newawlunzguy says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 10

    No lust is a good thing in a relationship. It's also known as desire.

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  20.   serenity33 says:
    Posted: 30 Aug 10

    Isn't lust a bad thing? Aren't we striving to find true love on this site and not be shallow and base things on lust? My parents have been married 54 years and are still sexually active and they wouldn't go back to the lovemaking they used to do because over the years, the have learned how to please each other better and their true love makes the love making much more satisfying without lust plus they stay faithfully in love with each other and never look at other women or men and that's the way the always have been. Isn't that kind of faithfulness another thing we are looking for in live long partners?

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  21.   Jan says:
    Posted: 29 Aug 10

    HOT!

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    • serenity33 says:
      Posted: 23 Oct 10

      Isn’t lust a bad thing? Aren’t we striving to find true love on this site and not be shallow and base things on lust? My parents have been married 54 years and are still sexually active and they wouldn’t go back to the lovemaking they used to do because over the years, the have learned how to please each other better and their true love makes the love making much more satisfying without lust plus they stay faithfully in love with each other and never look at other women or men and that’s the way the always have been. Isn’t that kind of faithfulness another thing we are looking for in live long partners?

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