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Are Black women more likely to be single?

Posted by James, 15 Jul

black women singleStatistics show that compared with white women, black women are twice as likely to be single.

Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, earns a good salary. She went to college, got her master’s degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she’s single… Black folks look up to her, and white folks know she is a force to be reckoned with. Yet … the men leave her alone… They [black women] have so much; what is it they lack Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can’t hold him?

- A public school administrator with the District of Columbia expresses the frustration and disappointment shared by many black women in the book: What's Love Got to Do With It?: Understanding and Healing the Rift Between Black Men and Women.

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National stats show that 42% of black women have never been married, compared to 21% of white women. Yes, it’s twice as much. But does this mean Black women are doomed to be single?

People have thrown around so many reasons in a bid to explain the above stats. The most sighted are: lack of good single black men; the black woman is too independent to need a man to take care of her; undercover gay black men; the list is endless… But does this really explain the above statistics? The above reasons only explain why black women don’t get married to black men.

While reflecting, this public administrator decides not to ask the question ‘What’s wrong with Black men’, but ‘What’s wrong with her and other black women’. She discovered that “the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship… sometimes an achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes… she’s seldom “there” for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman.” This administrator places the black women’s dating challenges on black women themselves.

In trying to explain why most black women are single, in our reasoning, we tend to forget all about interracial marriage. For once, let’s think outside the box. Do you believe black women are the least likely group to get married in the U.S.? Do you think the administrator is right – blaming the black woman for her being single?

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261 responses to "Are Black women more likely to be single?"

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  1.   djstime says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    Esor, Ok I had to respond to this simply because your issue is not a race one but a communication slash personal frustration one. All of the things you mention can be found in persons of any color…What I do find interesting is that you chose to sat for all the years you did…that could not have gone on for all of that time and you put up with it…I’m sorry but that sounded like a brother that need a little reminding that you deserve respect as well. I’m am sorry for the things you may have had to endure, but you can’t get respect from some people unless you take it. I am a southern brother and women will are sweet as honey but they will also cut you if you cross that line0 mind you I said cut you, not leave you….I think that your husband obviously had some insecurities that he was not able to share with you are you, or were too busy dodging curse words and arguments that you could see what was really going on. I am not at all blaming you for getting out of that situation you should and because it happens with men as well but the fact of the matter is the reason for leaving should have been relevant when it initially started to go down that roads…if you read one of my earlier post that man may have not had a mother to another male role model to pattern his behavior off of or understand that he was the issue and not you…but 13 years the damage to the children or family is already done…now the challenge is teaching and correction the behavior for your kids so that they don’t walk away with the mindset that all men are like that and all relationships fail eventually based on one thing or another… And as one of my other fellow posters stated …you got to look at the men you are choosing…and address any differences before they get to this point… That’s my time and hope it helps…Luv Bout to eat me some watermelon….mmm Djstime

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  2.   Member says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    I agree with dating outside the black culture. I have been with my husband for thirteen years and have two wonderful kids. We are now getting a divorce. He has been verbally and physically abusive towards me. He has a anger problem and is very jealous. Whenever we go out in public he will find something to pick on me about and just blast me out in public. Yes, I am a hard working educated black woman that is calm, friendly and just love to entertain people. For so long I have put up with his ways and tried many time to leave him but stayed for the sake of our family. It has now come to a point that enough is enough I rather raise my kids respectedly without the cursing and fighting. I am very happy that I have my pride and dignity back. I am myself again not the one that can't hardly talk and have to put up a front. I would love to date outside my culture I feel like I will be appreciated it more. I've been burnt twice and a third is not I want. Esor

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  3.   djstime says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    Thanks! and props to you as wel Hardworkin56!

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  4.   djstime says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    Cudos Ich, on point once again...

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  5.   tatted2death says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    I think Danielle aka lillyblack summed this WHOLE thing up in one sweet, well-put-together post.....now they should KILL this topic....lol. Peace and Blessings tatted2death

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  6.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    Yes indeed, Urbane39. However, you're not forced to deal with the statistics. You have the pleasure and opportunity to deal with you. Men and women have both turned away from or never reconciled with the Lord which leads to such hardships in relationships and the product of future humans. "Train up a child in the way he should go, when he is old he will never depart from it." Nuclear families and single parent homes have lost this sensibility and the results are men and women who don't understand what relationships are or how to make them work. Then, either party will blame everything and everybody except themselves for why they're single, why they're divorced, why they're whoring, or why they're gay. Stay strong, sis!

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  7.   urbane39 says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    I have been forced to deal with the statistics of us africian americian women being single and it is discouraging. I have found that I am disoppointed in our men as a whole. They have turned from the Lord and now we are struggling. I am not talking about going to church and JUST attending, I am talking about getting into the scriptures, finding out GOD, accepting his LOVE, abandoning the Lies of our society, find out your purpose and Love OTHERS. I once thought I had to be bound to my race for the sake of BLACK AND PROUD. Praise be to God, I have dropped that bondage. God said in his word that if I seek ye first the kingdom of heaven, and all of his righteousness, all things will be added unto me. ALL includes a GOD made Lover for the rest of my life. And since my father is not a respecter of person, Nither should I.

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  8.   Lookin4myBOO says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    I enjoy reading the comments about this topic and i do agreed with everyone in here . It's not about Black and White things .....we all have our own preferences when it comes to dating and pick whoever we chooses. I love an independent woman and what she want it in a relationship . Same as i .....i am independent also and i have been single for 8 yrs now . I chosed to be single not because i was picky bout the women i had dated....But because i know what i want in a relationship and we both have to be on the same level befored i can even make any commitment to you. Single black women now a day is too dammn picky ....they mostly prefer dating a black man or a white man first ......befored they chooses an asian or spanish men . I am not mad at ya' thou .......and i still love my gorgeous Sista on this site and i wish ya'll the best . Hugs and Kisses

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  9.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    tryn2lve Hey, I'm glad you posted a response. You are are a very nice-looking fella(I'm southern, please exscuse me,lol). I didn't mean to make it sound as if you were doing something wrong. I was just saying that if you become specific about what you want then that is what you receive. Those desires will begin to come to you. Try it sometimes. I believe in God and his word. He said that when we become a son or daughter of his, we share in his power.If you noticed, God never got up off his throne to do anything. He had a specific idea of what he wanted and then he spoke it into existence.I don't mean to preach but just wanted to share some of my hope with you.Okay I'm gonna shut up now.LOL oh no disrepect to whatever your faith may be. Stay up!

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  10.   cadoindian says:
    Posted: 21 Jul 09

    Wow, I found everything that everyone had to say had merits in the own rights. As a man who has dated and will continue to date black women I'd like to comment on what the writer of the article said. "Sometimes an achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes… she’s seldom “there” for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman". In my experience after dating a wonderful woman for 5 years who I am still very good friends with. This is very true, I always felt as if I was one of her lowest priorities, now this may be just her but after reading the article it makes me wonder; but instead of letting this discourage me I will use it to help me better understand how to date black women and to not jump to false realizations because we are diferent. This still will not keep me from dating black women though as I love them and hope to find my one true on someday. For all of you on this site I hope that you all too will not give up for we are better for being like we are. Cadoindian

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  11.   Jo.clem says:
    Posted: 20 Jul 09

    Wow, I have read through most of the comments about this topic. We'll I am speaking from personal experience here. I am an educated AMERICAN man. The pigment of my skin is a darker than most, my oppurtunity have come and went. I've made the best of most, and let some slip away. My point to this is most people have a programmed way of thinking; in color. Black, white, light brown (tanned), yellow, etc. We all have perferences. Now the typical Black Woman is forceful, strong-minded, Independent, and have developed a taste for being in control of every situation. That is a great way to be in most situation, but there comes a time humble yourself. The best way for me explain is by example: Lets say a woman goes to work for ten hours a day, five days a week. On top of that comes home to be a mother and a wife. The husband works the same exact amount of time. This cycle goes on and on for months. This relationship is going to fail. Reason being, men in general are VERY literal creatures. If you want us to do something, than tell us, NOT ORDER or AGRUE, but tell us. Most black women, will not do that very thing, basically remain civil. Wrapping this up, I am a professional in my field of work, very well off in my career, be most black women, because of the way I speak, the way I dress, the music I listen too, or just the way I look will not take the time to speak, assume I am after one thing. White women, from experience are easier to approach, more opened to making a relationship work, and most of the time come from a different foundation that allowed them to see in a different light. I happen to really enjoy white women for those attributes.

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  12.   sensual777 says:
    Posted: 20 Jul 09

    I think it is not a question of black and white. Also white women are ' victim ', being single but unwanted. Honestly I dont know what men want: they shout at me that they want an educated women and that i need to get a degree, but then the next woman they date is not at all educated and has a degree. I think men are too focused on looks and youth. They want a intelligent conversation but dont forget he is the man, otherwise you are doomed to stay alone.

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  13.   lillyblack says:
    Posted: 20 Jul 09

    This is an old and tiresome topic that should be dead at this point but it continues to resurface. Why should Black women who have worked hard to achieve familial and career success opt for anything less than the best when it comes to her personal life? Now, throwing your achievements in any man's face is not attractive and is off putting, and I do think we should be proud of who we were without bludgeoning men with it. The flipside of that argument is that why are Black women expected to help a Black man along who may not have the same or comparable achievements? Why do we have to hide our light under a bushel so a Black man doesn't feel intimidated by what we have achieved? Yes, we all know the ramifications of slavery on the Black family and economics, etc but when do we stop using these old crutches and start taking responsibility for ourselves in the 21st century? If you have a college degree, a great career that you have worked hard for, are well-rounded with a great group of friends and family, why should you accept less from your partner because he is Black and you don't want to be alone? Being single in this day and age is not the nail in the coffin. Singlehood is the time to explore who you are and what will ultimately make you happy so you won't have to settle when a man comes into your life. Learn to love yourself first and then you can love someone else and those goes for Black men as well. Black men need to start loving themselves a bit more and wanting more for themselves so that they are prize catches for single Black women. Lastly, date who you want. I dated a man, who happened to be white, for close to a year and it wasn't always ideal but we had great times. His skin color was never the issue nor was mine it was that we had alot in common and he wasn't as well-read or well-travelled as I am, but it still worked on many levels. You can learn alot about yourself and other cultures by dating outside of your race and it doesn't mean that you hate Black men or women in doing so. Can we just move on from this dated topic? There are so many other pressing topics that deserve our attention than the fallacy of the loney Black woman. Danielle

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  14.   tryn2lve says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    to Bigeyes31 Oh, I I understand that fully. When I lived with family, during times my mother was on a ship. They did live in "da hood". Yet, they were respectful people. On my off days, I do look a little thuggish. I'm also a big suit and tie fan. When I go out, I actually where clothes that fit my frame. I do attract alot of Old enough to be my mama women. I've also been told that I got a "mean" look regardless of my goof-ball nature. LOL, your right I may need to change some things about me. Also, I had some good, attractive, successful, shorter than me black women tell me I'm too short. LOL, maybe its them or me, I'm glad they are truthful, though

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  15.   bigeyes31 says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    tryn2lve OK, I have been trying to avoid this blog,but what you have said intrigued me. I used to have the same experiences that you had. I have attracted men who would not be my caliber of men. I have never DATED anyone who did not fit my standards. But as far as attracting men,yes the all "wrong for me ones would come up to me". When this happens to you have to stop accepting the hoodrats,as you put it. I hate to use that term because I believe everyone has something to offer. When I flat out made up my mind about what I wanted,that's when all the wrong for me types stop even approaching me.Maybe it's a vibe that you put out that says this is what I'm looking for and nothing else. The men who generally had qualilites I was looking for began to approach me. Then it became only a matter of picking the best one out that group.There is nothing wrong with having standards, they save you time and energy. I wish you the best.Oh btw find a woman who is shorter than you with something, then love,live and be happy!

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  16.   tryn2lve says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    to Julius26 Oh, it don't matter white, black, indian, asian, etc. I'll date a woman, as long as she was born a woman. I do not discriminate on that. But the first 2 white women I dated had me running back to sisters. Its all about the woman as a whole, feel me? Like you, I pretty much dated black woman in my life. My friends said I should try elsewhere just like you. I'm on here not to get a specific race of woman. I'm here, like you, to broaden my chances of having a good woman. Sites like e-harmony and match just say they can find your potential "soul mate". Yet, here, I know that there are WOMEN, not girls, of all walks of life that wants a change and just find Mr. Right. No matter the color. I love brown skin woman, with her kitchen clean and her game together. Its just this day and time, our women don't want a "Hoppo". Sadly enough, a lot of our women get burnt. SO like Blacks anywhere in the world, they "woman, up" and do the damn thing. I'm just asking those that want a black man to take a chance at someone whose trying. YO ICHIBOD! thanks for saying what you said cause really you put all that I just typed into plain and simple words. I need to get away from the military for a vacation, lol.

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  17.   Azrazyel says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    I'm glad you can accept love from other races julius, or at least willing too. It's a great thing to be able to see one another as the same, and not in color. I mean we are all here for a reason right? Good luck with your search and I'm sure you will find happiness, regardless of color. Regards

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  18.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    Same here.

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  19.   julius26 says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    No offence taken ichibod but quality not in the colour. And before anybody asks i have only dated black woman and i love them but i think i need to broaded my horizons a bit

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  20.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    That's probably why he's on this site, Julius. No offense, but he still does have love and respect for black women. You may find a few bad apples, but that's no reason to give up on the whole orchard.

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  21.   julius26 says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    To tryn2lve Why dont you try a white woman then or other races

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  22.   tryn2lve says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    This is amazing, So much seems to be going on here. I just wanted to share my experiences real quick. I was a raised a military brat, growing up all over the world and around stateside. I enlisted in the Marines and got out to join the Coast Guard. My friends all say I have the worst luck in the world when it comes to dating. I love my black woman, oh so much. Yet with every one of them, with very, very, VERY, few exceptions, had a stereotype. Most of our woman have high standards, but being God won't meet some women standards, period. I'm a overall good man and I have not at all times been the best. Yet when I approach a black woman, I wonder what is going to come out her mouth about why I'm not her type. If nothing happens then, I tend to wonder what will happen if I messed up. I'm not saying some foul trouble but a honest to God mistake. Honestly, I feel like women need to take a chance and bring down their standards. Men just need to step up. If you try to show and prove, then that person should at the least get a consideration. I'm a overall good man with shortcomings, and there is plenty of others. But them standards sometimes need to light up. Thats for all sides of the equation, not by raceor gender....Oh, I mostly always get a hood rat but a woman with something usually says something about my stature for a reason (funny to me, I am short tho, LOL) thanks

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  23.   rain says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    Wow, It really seems this site tries to take low blows when every possible. I wonder Who is running this site, and who the sponsors are.

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  24.   lookingforlife says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    all i am reading from both sides of the coin is i am better than that, dont blame us or help us lend a hand. what i think should be the topic is i am what i am are you willing to take a chance? there is no reason to posture or play games just lay it on the line ans see if the right lady or gentleman presents themself to you or you present yourself to them. i joined this site seriously looking to find a great woman and i am not so certain that some of you are serious about your search the way you resond to this topic.i dont mean to offend but i felt it needed to be said. the posturing is what is keeping some of you from finding what i think most of us are looking for and keeping you single.

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  25.   katlu8984 says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    I guess it really doesn't bother me if I am statistically "doomed" to be single. I know I have high standards for any potential mate and it will be hard to find someone to meet them. I have faith that it will happen someday but I know it will be awhile. The bigger question I have is why all the negative wording in regards to being single? Personally, I love being single. I would love to find the right partner too but I enjoy living the single life and I have made the very best of it. This article makes all women of color sound so desperate and I truly doubt that it is the case. There is nothing sad or negative about being single but the mass media would have everyone think otherwise.

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  26.   Azrazyel says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    I'll just throw a few lines here..... For me, It's kinda depressing to see all these topics about black women. It seems that these topics are there to exploit the black woman in any way. I mean, everyone will be single for any numerous amount of reasons. I'm not so much knowledgeable about the culture and so forth, but why is it always attacking black women? I mean, is it really that bad? I know I have so much to learn, but from the outside looking in, to me it appears as focusing on a certain gender and race and bringing forth the worst of it and never focusing on the positive things about black women. (sigh) Thanks for letting me respond. Regards

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  27.   godiva61 says:
    Posted: 19 Jul 09

    Very interesting point's of view.. First off, I would like to say that it is in my opinion that the above administrator so called blame for black women being single is HER opinion only... Look at the wording, Black Women, I'm a black woman and no woman can speak for me!!! She may from time to time identify with what I might be saying or feeling, but she can not speak for me. I'm always a liitle leary about such similar so called finding's, I often wonder if these people are speaking for themselves and adding other's to the mix, and I'm also curious about their true motives.... Personally, I am bored to death with this so called "woe is me because I'm a black woman" mentality.. Their are many reason(s) why black women are single. There is no one reason!!! Since we have a broad, diverse, variety of different black women, it's only logical that their would be a variety of reasons as to why she is single. I'm sure that once that you consider the difference in age, the difference in geographics, education, religion, income and most importantly, the maturity and the present state of one's mentality, we could find even more reason(s). I do hope and pray that we will all retrain our way of listening to other's opinion's, listen but learn not to INTERNALIZE another person ideals, judgment's and assumption's of you as an individual or as a group.. I still believe that "misery loves company, and if I might add, misery can only thrive when you feed it"!! I've never known a plant to grow without water and sunlight, have you??? love godiva

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  28.   Hardworkin56 says:
    Posted: 18 Jul 09

    I agree with djstime:my brother it's like u are taking the words right out of my mouth. Let's not forget how it all started,history our forefathers didn't ask to come to this country,black men & women we are in a even greater state of emergency now that a black man is the most powerful man in the world, think!!!? I hear anger in these women voices,come on u didn't know your man was abusive before u married him? I knew my daughters mother was no picnic,but she was a good rollercoaster and the ride always end,unless pay again. And I paid dearly ;) but guess who been raising our daughter,the one and only. It's all about honesty u have to be,especially with urself I believe that's the main problem Im accountable for myself! I don't care if u make 15k or 100k as a woman,love is what everybodys looking for and guess what love finds U. This settle for less statement shove it somewhere,dont ever refer to a black man as less I don't fee what his faults are,the U.S. isn't equal remember that! Black women u better wake up they let any body in this country, they have set up everything in favor of women and try reading 1Corinthians 13:4-8 sometimes. True love and honesty will never fail u

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  29.   djstime says:
    Posted: 18 Jul 09

    Now that’s how grow ups do it!...Thanks… fire321,Rheah59, kaz2 ,and of course Ichibod. prettybrowneyes, I really think that if you read what you posted, but think of yourself as a guy reading that, you will see how a guy feels...for example other female posters responded constructively as well as definitively without all of the angry undertones of your post...if you read carefully you will see that we all want the same thing and honestly I think the main obstacle is the stereotype that you may not feel exist for African American women… And if I really wanted to get technical…I could blame African American women for the short comings of African American males, you cant take credit only when they turn out good…think about this fairly now…What has almost every woman posting on here stated?...”I’m raising my sons by myself or I’m a single mom, I’m independent” every since Destiny’s Child came out with that song our women have been doomed…see there is no Independence in TEAM and that is what a relationship is suppose to be right?…not excusing the African American men for being out of the children’s lives (That’s is a whole other issue) but when they are not there, you as women should not allow your sons to use that as an excuse to be less of a man. Good men come from good mothers just as well as good fathers…and when you surround yourself with good men even if you are not in a relationship you young men will make it… But back to the topic, sorry…you see I have a lot of thoughts on this issue…and I think they are all connected… I think that for the longest African American women have had to carry a load but part of that load is self inflicted...when you allow society to tell you how you should be to keep your man you will fail every time…so what if you go through some rough times…people aren’t perfect and it will happen…but getting defensive and taking it out one every other African American male you meet is not the solution and as Kaz2 said ”Remember strong doesn’t mean obnoxious, and independence doesn’t mean arrogance”. “Together we stand ...divided we fall”…who remembers that one. Love.

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  30.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 18 Jul 09

    Rheah59, Ofcourse this topic is going to be personal to black men because it's regarding our women; our mothers, sisters, and daughters. When this topic came out two days ago, I was waiting for someone to comment on it. I didn't want to be the first one. Great post and great smile, by the way! I don't think I've seen much of you here in the blogosphere. Good stuff. Prettybrowneyes, Where did anyone blame a black women for anything in the above posts? It's like you were just waiting to blow up for something and felt that even though djstime's comment had nothing to do with your 'something', you finally had a black man to take it out on. Read your post again. You insuiated a lot with very little prompting.

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  31.   prettybrowneyes says:
    Posted: 18 Jul 09

    djstime you are so quick to blame black women for the shortcomings of black men, instead of whining about black women reaching back, which we have done enough, why not black men REACH UP OR REACH BACK to the black woman? Whenever black men come up; the first thing black men do is discard black women. Quiet as it's kept, there is a HIGH number of black men that have never married also, so dont sit here and try to blacken the image of black women. It is not cute and down right ugly. You really dont know why alot of black women are single to begin with. Also to let you know, ALOT of single black women are actually engage to be MARRIED or are living with their significant other. Black women are not the lonely women that too many black men vehemently desire them to be.

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  32.   tatted2death says:
    Posted: 18 Jul 09

    Kudos to you, Rhea your posts are balanced and to the point......and I have to agree with you on why must this automatically become an "Anti Black Man" issue??? And why must all these assumptions be made.... ....because when I say "won't settle for less", I am speaking more of things like INTEGRITY, HONESTY, AND RESPECT rather than those of a material nature. All those things (and more) I am more than willing and able to give but it seems they are less of a focus for most men/people nowadays....PERIOD. And being self-assured does not automatically make you MASCULINE.....but any man has to admit it is a fine line for a woman walk to be feminine AND not get taken advantage of if you are single (Unless you have big muscle-ly brothers....lol). I know when to "hand over the reigns" whenever appropriate.....but I until I have found the one (NOT PERFECT) for me to do this with, I will remain the way I need to be to survive...and succeed ON MY OWN. Do men think we are just to sit around like that "damsel" waiting for the knight that may or MAY NOT come???? This has NOTHING to do with being a "feminist"....but everything to do with being a REALIST. Peace and Blessings tatted2death

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  33.   Rheah59 says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    It’s interesting how this blog has become personal to the black man. My intention was never that; but only to comment on why, I as a black woman am still single. I have had many opportunities to be hooked up/married. I am; yes a strong black woman who has also learned to balance my strength with femininity and grace, and I don’t think that men would have a problem with the package I represent ,at least that’s not been my experience to date. I have been married and divorced and have learned much from each experience. I accept my responsibility in all and as a result I take the best of what I had, together with what I’ve learned and will use it to enhance and build upon a quality relationship. As was stated by Julius2, I will take a quality man of any color. As I stated at the beginning of this post; I am the picky/selective one. There are things I look for that will build a central core of what a relationship should be. I know instinctually what is right for me and I refuse to compromise my values and am not into playing games. It is my choice. djstime I would encourage you to keep at your attempt to be a role model. I see your picture and yes; you do look like someone who would be a good role model. You look strong, handsome and intelligent! If my sons were still young enough I’d be happy to have you mentor them. Unfortunately we must except that there is much ignorance in the world but I would not let that stop you becoming a mentor to other young men. It is not your looks that define you but your character. It’s too bad that some women don’t appreciate that also. It comes with maturity. Many Blessing to One and All ~Rheah~

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  34.   fire321 says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    Djstime, I totally agree with you. I think black women have become accustomed to playing both roles and when they do get a man (regardless of race), they tend to emasculate him because they are too busy being right and wanting to be in control. Men need to feel like men and women need to let them play that role. If he needs a little encouraging to do better, be better, she should help in that way. I'm tired of wearing the "angry black woman" label because that is the general stereotype society has placed on us. We have the choice to be single or not. I don't think it's because we don't have options. We just need to do a little self reflecting and see how we (as women) contribute to the label that is placed on us.

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  35.   djstime says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    Thanks Ichibod, and to the rest of my folks, I am sorry for all the typos in my last response I was trying to do to many things at once and didnt check it before I posted the response...hope I didnt lose anyone...

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  36.   Ichibod says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    Djstime, Right on!

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  37.   djstime says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    Rheah59..you get love from me, and I agree with most of what youare saying, but somthing you pointed out kind of stood out. You said that black men should also reach back and I defenately do, but look at my pictures, Im not the typical blcak guy that you would have you child mentor...in fact most african american women I come acroos tend to assume Im gay befre they would conside the fact that I love to dress nice and am not interested in everybody knowing what color my underwear is. In the end I do believe its all about choices we make...but base those choices on proof and potential and absolutly on equality...sure you can be a strong african american woman...but remember you "got to be" soft as well... one love... Djstime

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  38.   julius26 says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    If your a single black woman waiting for the perfit black man dont, take a quality man whatever colour he is.

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  39.   ladye48 says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    Listen I appreciate the article, but let me say this. The black woman don't have to blame herself for who she is. Yeah we would like love and relationships, but we don't like games. We strive to do better and so should our counterparts and stop playing games and acting like dumb little boys. Interracial relationships don't always work out because white men play games too just a different kind of game such as they will take you out and tell you they will treat you like a queen, but they will go away somewhere or hide out they want to bed you too quick then because they can't perform they disappear or run away when a black woman has said nothing about there poor performance. It's a kind of mental game they play. White guys there is more to relationships than sex. Don't let your performance issues keep you from having a good relationship and Brothers there is more to life than games and sex grow up and be a man and stop trying to conquer all. Learn to love someone. Black woman keep being who we are. We don't have to blame ourselves for the mistakes of others.

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  40.   queenbee40 says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    Amen to that sisters!!! At least we have some common sense not to settle for less and why should we? We work darn hard to get there. I had to do it on my own raising my three children by myself, working 2 jobs and getting an education at the same time. I was married once and endured so much for 17yrs before I realized enough is enough. Now single and dating, I do have some standards and they have to be met. Call it picky or whatever. And to top that, not once have I had one black male responding to any of my online profile and I've been thru a few dating sites. Does that tell you something? I don't see anything wrong with me, but what's with them?

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  41.   Rheah59 says:
    Posted: 17 Jul 09

    Djstime First of all my comments were not intended specifically for the black men. My thoughts on what you have posted however are these: Sure I understand the dynamics of the black successful woman and the unfortunate black man. I have heard all of the stories and I can say that I agree and can sympathize with most. But why is it that the black women are always required to reach back? Most black women have been doing that for a long time; some, even on their welfare checks. Why can't the black brother's, and the white brothers such as yourself, reach back and help your fellow brothers. Isn't it so; that a man is more respectful of another man’s help and opinion? I thought men became men in the presence of men? Perhaps you don't understand that the black woman have been raising the children alone, loaning money to the brother who would rather use the outdated conspiracy theory of the white man against black men; instead of going back to school. I understand that men are not always the stronger of the sexes and I don’t mind sharing my strength. I love my fellow black men, but I have lived too long with the truth of most of their situations. I have raised two beautiful black sons who are standing on their own feet. If they can..then so can others. Forget about the King and Queen Senario, I'm one villager who does not have much but what I do have I work hard for. It would be nice to be able to at least know you can get support from your fellow village man without him breaking your back. If I cannot be elevated then I prefer to stand happily alone as stated by tatted2Death. I know that there are those who are on equal footing. That’s all that I require. I have raised my children and am not looking to raise grown men. Hope you can understand. That’s where I’m coming from. Rheah59

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  42.   kaz2 says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    As a single black accomplished male I have garnered that many accomplished African American females, tend to throw their 'accomplishments' up front, as if to ward off the unaccomplished males. Problem is, those males who are equally educated are put off by that behavior, and back away as well. Remember strong doesnt mean obnoxious, and independence doesn't mean arrogance. It is interesting though that when going the interracial route, they seem to put those attitudes in check, maybe for the fear of being labeled otherwise by their white counterparts and their friends. It seems therefore that both black males and females in interracial relationships tend to become more adaptive to their 'new' environment and therefore they leave their stereotypical behaviors at the door. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could do the same with our own kind as well. It is therefore appropriate to note 'you always get what you give' and vice versa.

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  43.   FatherTime says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    EDIT. " They were NOT forced or “Had no other choice but to step-up." They deliberately sought to create a Matriarchy because the government offered them money and incentives to do so.

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  44.   FatherTime says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    Black Women are of course more likely to be Single. It's the natural consequence of starting a hateful man-hating campaign in the seventies. Women began throwing away Black men and fathers in droves amped up with the promise of a new future with the Hateful Feminist. They were forced or "had no other choice but to step-up. They deliberately sought to create a Matriarchy because the government offered them money and incentives to do so. "We'll offer you money and housing but you cant have a man!" Black women responded back with "It Takes a Village to raise a Child" and "I Don't Need No Man to raise a Child" never ONCE saying thing in favor or support of Black Men. This has been going on for 40 yrs now. Well, you get what you marched and derided Black Men for...Their absence. No one wants to be with the married or in a relationship with the easily bribed who destroy their own community with their own hands all for a handout. Their Icon is Oprah for goods sake and she's always putting down Black Men! Are we defended? NO Who builds something with that? Well, results are in, NOT MOST MEN. We all know why most BW are single. The question is "Do They Deserve to Be? My Answer: Yeah, they been working on it with their non-stop hate-mongering & hijacking of Custody from Black Fathers for YEEAARS.

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  45.   djstime says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    Ok...breathe… First off I think that this article and the first two responses reflect accurately the very thing that makes it difficult to engage in a relationship with a "African American" woman. I often see the response that Rheah59 and Konstanze posted. Now let’s get this notion of king and queen out of our heads, I am so tired of hearing it….in most cases in history not everybody got to be king and queen there was usually only one per village, somebody had to do the farm work…lol I can only say that the "settling for less" comment can be defined in so many different ways...I have meet plenty of women (yes of all races) that don’t have themselves together and I would still give them a shot because for guys its different. Yes it is about attraction, but it’s also about intellect. If I can’t have a conversation with you then how can I have a relationship? We are defined by society as being the stronger one and are expected to be the bread winner and all of those things...unfortunately for most young African American men that are not connected enough to get assistance in anyway (financial, social, etc) they are deemed "beneath you". They end up at the back of the line...It’s almost like the successful women make it and they can’t reach back for a brother and bring him along because you are expecting him to already be there, but without the same breaks you may have gotten. And yes I said breaks…all of this is a vicious cycle that goes way beyond skin color…the bases is education and access…give any person the same tools and access as the next man yes some will take advantage of it but there will always be some that need help and unless we help them they will wind up right where most of them are now…In jail over something ignorant… Relationship dynamics alone are complicated, but if it is always defined by who has what and who doesn’t. Then you will never be with a person that is good enough. I have soooo many other thoughts about this but I will hold them until I see more post…thanks for reading…and I hope you can understand where I’m coming from… Djstime

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  46.   tatted2death says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    Oh ding dang diggity......Another "sad black woman" thread....when is this madness going to end???? And why is being single automatically equated with being "doomed"???? With some of the awful marriages that are out there....I count myself as blessed as having enough sense to not tie the knot that binds (FOREVER). Being happily single, I recognize that I would much rather have too much "alone" time than have someone (that I might actually grow to strongly dislike) breathing down my neck. I, like any other "grown" person, know that any worthy relationship is going to take compromise. But there are just some things that are NOT on the bargining table....because my life is not a game of "Deal or NO DEAL". Like Rhea said, settling for less is not an option. Peace and Blessings tatted2death

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  47.   nitaj says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    I am just like that woman in the article. Yet I was married for 12 years to a Black man that was abusive and unfaithful. I am educated and talented and fiscally responsible and when I met my ex, I had all that already going on...but I settled. Wanting to be married like my "friends". Well now 17 years later, I am more wiser and surely a lot more selective. Hence, my brothers do not want to be bothered with me. And that is alright with me. I have found dating outside the black box has been refreshing and a lot has not change from my college days where my school was predominantly white and that is what I dated. Now it seems that that is all I attrack. White men allow me to be me. Smart, well read, funny and ethnic. I can be in "their" world and still be accepted as a beautiful woman who happens to be black as well as one who is worth the time, effort and respect of a good man-regardless of his color or culture. White men seem to get that and they don't feel intimidated by smart Black women. At least not the ones I have dated. Now maybe it is a different story for our female counterpart, but, I will continue to date the men that treat me the way I desire and deserve to be treated. If and when I decide that I would like to be married again, it will be based solely on mutual respect and admiration for my partner regardeless of his ethnicity. He will love me well which will cause me to do all that I can to honor and treat him like the man he has shown me he is....Amen ladies, Amen!

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  48.   oksana3 says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    While reflecting, this public administrator decides not to ask the question ‘What’s wrong with Black men’, but ‘What’s wrong with her and other black women’. She discovered that “the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship… sometimes an achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes… she’s seldom “there” for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a commitment to a woman.” This administrator places the black women’s dating challenges on black women themselves. Her thinking is a passive approach to her own oppression. Simplifying such a complex issue is absolutely ridiculous.

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  49.   Konstanze says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    Amen, Im single for a reason! we have a##holes! I agree with Rheah59. Im serious! Im picky but Im not going to settle for less. I work hard and play hard. IF I can bring my all to the table, I expect the same in return. Amen I agree! I love myself too Im queen! I deserve a KING! White women settle for less! I hear them at work talking about their problems! They ask me what should I do... I suggest things oooo its too hard! He cheating on me! Ok Leave him alone. He always want to have sex! Ok Hes horny then you be horny too! I fix my problems not complain. IF you can take the heat in the kitchen, get out of the kitchen! Now I just say to them- I dont know! Keep it moving!

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  50.   Rheah59 says:
    Posted: 16 Jul 09

    Do most men truly want to get married? Now there's a question to ask. But as for black women not getting married; Black women are human too; just like any white woman, black man, or white man. Sure; some of us are tough and independent but, we've had to be for survival and due to lack of support. We're tired of the struggle and would like to lean on; instead of being leaned on for a change. But we can do bad, all by ourselves, and just because we are black it doesn’t mean that we have to accept just anything or anybody. We are black; not desperate! However; take away the color and you will find that we want love and marriage, and happiness just like anyone else Can I blame myself for being single? Yes! Because I'm picky and I refuse to accept less than what I feel I deserve. If I can bring my all to the table, I expect the same in return. If that means I stay single forever? Then so be it. It will take a True MAN of any color to satisfy my requirements.

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