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Anti-white black man married to a white woman

Posted by James, 19 Feb

Is it possible to be racist and date interracially?

I have a friend, a white woman who is married to this Black man. But based on the comments he makes about white people, he has small minded racist attitudes. This man really hates White people. The thing is: he doesn’t even care about the presence of his white wife. He just blurts out his racial slurs and stereotypes; you’d think he is married to a black woman.

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He keeps referring to the negative history of Blacks and whites and lives by it in the present saying the only reason he was born in this country is because whites brought Africans here and for that, he can’t stand white people; that white people think they are God’s gift to humanity; that they feel they are better than any other group. He even says: White people are just not that precious and he doesn't care because he is busy working and paying taxes. [I am thinking: You mean whites don't?']

My pal makes excuses for her husband saying he is a very sweet man to her, treats her well and those are just generalizations that don’t mean nothing… that he isn’t racist with her. [I am thinking: 'Woman, you are white. This guy hates whites, speaks ill of whites (both men and women). How is that not being racist with you? Plus if he hates the white lot that much, why did he bother marrying one then?']

I don't think the dude started being racist against whites after marrying her. So by the time she said yes to his marriage proposal, she knew what she was getting into. So why did she marry him? Does this mean this guy has a soft spot for one white person - the wife? How is that even possible?

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22 responses to "Anti-white black man married to a white woman"

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  1.   innerwarrior says:
    Posted: 13 Mar 13

    Silverdante, I’m sure your Klan brothers are proud. Your animosity towards XnChristine is telling. She was clear in her post, but you weren’t looking for a flaw in her logic, you were looking for a kink in her emotional armor, a typical manipulative tactic. How dare she have children with a Black man, right!? Your post was trite, with the same regurgitated responses that were probably handed down from William Lynch himself. Injustice exists because of people just like you. Your mindset, which is pervasive, is why there still has been no resolution to the enormous race issues in this country. But it is bigger than just race. The inability to acknowledge another’s emotions because of one’s own insecurity is at the foundation of many social issues here and probably all over the world. And the subsequent denial of said emotions guarantees that the problem will never go away. You see, Silverdante, you don’t have to understand what XnChristine or myself are trying to express to you because neither your safety nor your livelihood nor your ability to lead a good life depend on it. But that is not the case for everyone.

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  2.   innerwarrior says:
    Posted: 27 Feb 13

    First of all, 'ManfromNYC', I did not mention your username in my response. Additionally, I was primarily speaking about whites from the U.S. But, your post proves my point beautifully. You think just because you are a white man with an accent that you understand what it is like to be a black man in America? That is funny. And you say that: "you nor any member of your family has ever discriminated against another human being", what a joke. You can't possibly prove that or really think that is true. We all make mistakes and do things that are hurtful to others, whether intentional or not. Your declaration of innocence is covering up something you don't want to deal with. And furthermore, your advice to grab on to our "collective humanity" and to stop "fanning the flames of anger" I find insulting and discriminatory. You are just like those I spoke of in my previous post, but you are in denial. I don't care if you reject my position, I didn't ask you. What if someone raped your daughter, but she waited 5 years before she told anyone. Would you just say, "Well, that was ok, it was in the past, I forgive you Mr. Rapist" Or would you go after him with the full force of the law? You would want your daughter's pain acknowledged and you would want justice served. And that would be your right. However, when it comes to black people, we just need to be the bigger person. Native Americans were paid reparations. The Japanese-Americans that were held in concentration camps were paid reparations. We will never stop hearing about what happened to the Jews, and that didn't even happen on U.S. soil. But Africans receive no acknowledgement or reparations and have only been given a second class pass to assimilation. "ManfromNYC", you have no idea what you are talking about. After your race has been enslaved, beaten, and raped for 400 years by another ethnic group and they expect you to suck it up and assimilate, then we can talk, because then you would understand.

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    • Silverdante says:
      Posted: 02 Mar 13

      I find it amusing that you accuse him of being assuming to know "what it is like to be a black man", but that goes both ways, you really have no idea about what it is like to be in his shoes either. And to assume that because you are black you must have had worse thing happen in your life is in itself presumptuous and arrogant. I can tell you that most eastern European men probably have more dealings with prejudice in all sorts of manner than any American, black or white. I just know of a lot of instances of African-Americans victimizing themselves and always harkening back to the "you'll never know what it is like" argument that means absolutely nothing, since that argument goes for everyone. A moot point if there ever was one. I can accept the fact that life in America is harder on average for minorities, but that doesn't excuse you for being racist. The man in the story is wrong, there is not way around it. You judge someone by their color, you are wrong. You are a racist That's the end of it, no excuses, nothing. Because if you don't take this stance, you neglect all the people that have also gone through all sorts of racial issues and yet still are able to look at each new person as a unique individual, instead of a color sheet indicating good or bad. Another thing that bothers me... Have you personally gotten raped, beaten and enslaved for 400 years? No you didn't, so stop bringing it up as a valid argument, all you want to do is shock us with that comment and play on white people's sense of guilt (which is bs anyway, I have nothing to feel bad about since I never beat, raped or enslaved ANYONE in my life) So you can stuff that argument where the sun doesn't shine. According to that logic I should still be hating on the Germans today that never even held a gun in their hands. So yes, I expect YOU to SUCK it up like any reasonable and mature intelligent person would and should, since I and the man above had nothing to do with it. You made the example of someone raping your daughter? The right analogy should be that it is your great-grandfather daughter and she was raped by someone else, how can justify blaming another person for that? And here we get to the crux, you justify your stance by identifying the "rapists" by skin color in stead of individual traits, which sounds a whole lot like racism to me. You should start thinking about reflecting on your own thoughts and emotions for a change, instead of assuming about others. Defending this man is probably a way justifying your own internal racist thoughts. It's cool, nobody is perfect :).

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    • LoveTherist says:
      Posted: 06 Mar 13

      Well, there's no racist that doesn't have a ready made excuse as to why their hateful ways are justified. Whether it's because of evil done in the past, crime statistics, or sheer ignorance, at the bottom it's all the same. A counter-productive way of thinking that accomplishes nothing. "Africans receive no acknowledgement or reparations" How's that exactly? Affirmative action, King's birthday, black history month, minority scholarships... all count for nothing?

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  3.   Kaysmiles says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 13

    I have experienced this firsthand with several friends. My black male friends meet, fall in love and marry white women when all they have ever dated before were black women. What happens is that they become friends and start seeing the woman as just that - a woman. Not a white woman, not the enemy, not "some Becky". Yet, they maintain a level of mistrust against white people in general. This might have happened in the scenario outlined above. Or, it could be that he hates whites so much he wants to "own" one and exercise control over her. I've seen that as well. And, well we all know the stereotype that white women are more docile, and maybe that's true because my neighbor used to sound just like this man and his wife stood there smiling. Somehow I feel if a white man was ranting about blacks in front of his black wife, she'd have something to say! lol. Moral of the story - love the individual, not the color or status.

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  4.   ManfromNYC says:
    Posted: 26 Feb 13

    It cuts both ways, inner warrior. Although 100% Caucasian by birth, by virtue of migrating to the U.S.A. from the Caribbean and speaking the English language with an accent, I, too, am a minority. Neither I nor any member of my family have ever in any manner discriminated against another human being because of race, gender, religion, political affiliation or any other visible or invisible, perceived or real differences. I Respect Everyone. On the issue of this nation's Great Sin, none of my ancestors played a role. Therefore, it is to me extremely tiresome to be lectured time and again that I "don't understand" or, when I disagree with opinions, to be branded as "arrogant" or (the last trump card) a "racist"; it is either "agree with me or you are one of them". I reject your position as provincial and as one that contributes nothing towards civil discourse. Yes, I DO understand what it is to be a minority in the U.S. I say this: 1) Attach no labels to all others who disagree with you, lest you be guilty of arrogance yourself. 2) We All have a choice: anchor ourselves in our collective common denominator (our Humanity) or continue to forever harbor anger and fan the flames of resentment for the sins of some, and bigotry towards those who dare disagree with us. The former will bring Peace to our Souls. The latter will doom us all to eternal Mistrust and Ignorance.

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  5.   innerwarrior says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 13

    XnChristine, I agree with what you said 100%. You understand what many of your white brothers and sisters don't, and that lack of awareness contributes to confusion and division. The sentiment expressed by "SeanVH", "Tony W", and "mariorn" is pervasive in this society. It is insanely frustrating to be told to essentially "get over it" by persons that have no clue the challenges that are faced on a daily basis or what it feels like to be a 'minority' in America. That approach reflects an incredible arrogance and is dismissive of any perspective that does not support the 'status quo'. Thank you XnChristine, your words give me hope.

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  6.   classsyelaine123 says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 13

    When it comes to someone being racist and being married, it stems from unresolved issues. Each person must resolve and deal with their own demons. If the woman chose to marry him, then she has to deal with those consequences. If you focus on what being said more than the root of the problem (requires active listening) then healing can occur. We cannot contaminate ourselves with personality issues or "hand-ups" too long before we become as toxic as those individuals. Promote positive words and positive thinking. Learn not to take things to personally. Everybody is not to same and everyone learns at different levels. Again, this is not an issue of black or white or married or not, it goes deeper within the individual. We must be understanding and patient to find the real reason. Time and patience are not popular virtues.

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  7.   classsyelaine123 says:
    Posted: 25 Feb 13

    Women want to be of value and men want to be appreciated. I am mixed (African American and Cherokee Indian). Here is my message to other minority especially African American ladies. We have been raised in a society where black women feel that they are ONLY suppose to find and date Black men. We get upset and devalued that black men will date white women creating this karma that black women are barbaric, materialistic, selfish, and have an attitude. To my phenomenal sisters, please understand you are ALL beautiful. Please DO NOT LIMIT your VALUE AND LOVE to one race. If ALL BLACK MEN WANT TO GO TO WHITE WOMEN, THEN LET THEM!!! It doesn't take away from who you are and your right to be loved and give loved. DO NOT GIVE POWER TO HATE, JEALOUSY OR LOW SELF-ESTEEM. WE AS WOMEN MUST OPEN OUR EYES TO OTHER POSSIBILITIES. There are Caucasian, Asian, Italian, European, Irish, and more men of other ethnicities. We all bleed the same color and we all have one life and one death! Take back your life. It REALLY DOESN'T MATTER WHY BLACK MEN DATE WHITE WOMEN. GET INTO REPROGRAMMING YOUR MIND NOT TO CARE AND BE HAPPY FOR YOU. It is not YOUR FAULT or no issue. It is life and society evolving. You deserve to be loved, valued, and respected and the opportunity to appreciate and love someone back. Remember this: Men always have options and possibilities. That is why they date other races easily. We as women must open our hearts, be more confident, and be open to possibilities. As for black men and white women (this message goes for all) if you are marrying for color, then it will not last. No woman is better than any woman regardless of culture. They are always exception to the rule. On behalf of sisters, we are not mad but we are healing within ourselves so we set you free. Love and be Loved everyone!

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  8.   jod212 says:
    Posted: 24 Feb 13

    Sadly the United States as well as the rest of the world has yet to deal with our past slavery/racist history. Much of that psycosocial debris of that history cannot help but filter into intimate relationships at times. If people have not delt with their thought processes or how they feel about our collective history as it relates to their individual self esteem, these types of relationships will exist. In the end, both people in any relationship must feel at ease with one another as outsiders will alway's have something to say even in the best of unions.

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  9.   freelance925 says:
    Posted: 22 Feb 13

    @Xnchristine,..You talk like an Angel,.Think you are right,..In conclusion,.Don't judge anyone,we all have reasons why we say or do things

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  10.   XnChristine says:
    Posted: 22 Feb 13

    I think I can understand this man. He is speaking in generalities. I don't like the fact that the dominant race in the U.S. generally thinks they own the world, is generally against persons of color and has historically oppressed them, and continues to in many places, etc. One can dislike a group and still love individuals in it. I am white, but when I have witnessed white people being extremely cruel to black people, the words "I hate white people" have escaped my lips as well. My ex was black, my kids are bi-racial (but identify as black), and I am in search of a black man. But when I hear those words--even from my own children--I understand. It is an expression of pain, and horror at atrocities that have been committed against them. I am against racism in all forms, in al people, and in myself. But next time this guy says, "I hate white people," maybe someone shouldl say, "Tell me more about that," and listen and let him vent his pain, rather than labeling him a racist, or questioning whether or not he should be in a relationship with the white woman he truly loves, who does not espouse the values of racist whites. Let's give this guy a break. People don't need to be criticized, they need to be understood.

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    • YourNiceGirl says:
      Posted: 25 Feb 13

      Christine, what a thoughtful, nuanced and mature post. I wish there were more people like you...even those in interracial relationships who consider themselves above it all. One black/biracial president does not a "postracial" society make. Black people have been catastrophically harmed in this country by racism and I'm not talking in the distant past. While I am not in any way suggesting that this gives anyone the right to make blanket statements of hate or turn your white acquaintances into whipping boys for the wrongs they haven't committed as was popular in the Seventies/Eighties (white guilt), I do understand the feelings behind it. I only hope I meet someone as wise as you who can separate our relationship from my broader experiences when I express my pain, anger or disappointment. I'm from the South and integrated my elementary school, so I have a long view of our racial history. Black kids followed us to school heckling us all the way to the railway tracks (line of racial demarcation in many South and Western towns) where the white bullies would take over. White parents instructed their children not to play with me and I was kept in the library during recess for my "safety" instead of being allowed to play. However, I had a white first grade teacher from the North that year who was an Angel to me. I have never forgotten her. She left and moved away in the middle of the school year. I hope to be reunited with her one day to tell her what her kindness and humanity meant to me. From my earliest days, I learned that his racial thing is not all black and white but has it share of gray. I am just prayerful that I can meet someone who can acknowledge that history and its legacy without undue personal guilt and be strong enough to be my man in this society as it really is today. Christine, if I lived near you, we would be definitely be friends!

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      • YourNiceGirl says:
        Posted: 25 Feb 13

        I would just add that this man sounds like he has a lot of pain that needs to be dealt with professionally or through his minister if that is their culture. It is not acceptable to express oneself as he is doing, nor is it emotionally healthy. Forget political correctness, he is victimizing their white friends who probably had nothing to do with his grievance. I fear that his wife will suffer over time because one person can't carry another's pain indefinitely. Perhaps the best thing her friend could do is to not condemn him but let him know how the husband's statements make him feel. If he shows contrition, there's hope. But, if he continues being a boor, it's probably useless.

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      • SweetToYou says:
        Posted: 13 Mar 13

        Dear Your Nice Girl and others, Thank you for understanding me. The few times I said, “I hate white people”–AND I AM WHITE–it was to God, in the privacy of my home, in response to suffering inflicted on my children by racist white people. God knew that I was really saying that I was hurt and angry. The few times one of my children said it, it was to me, in private, and I understood that she was expressing her pain and devastation. We have to look past the words and see the person. God doesn’t hear us for our speaking, he sees the heart. In both cases it was a response to the white racist system--which, of course, doesn’t include all white people--harming my children, or other black people. No, the words taken at face value are NOT acceptable, and I have never said them in public. But we can be so focused on the words that we don’t hear the person. I am suggesting that we look past the words to see the pain that produced them, and deal with that on a deeper level. Then the words will change. “Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.” Anger is a secondary emotion; behind it is usually pain. Better to get it out–in less volatile language, of course–than to deny it. I would rather talk to the man in question in the original post than someone who has racial problems, but denies it and says things like, “I’m not prejudiced; some of my best friends are [whatever race]." Better to say, “We all have prejudices, and if I do, I’m against them, and will bring them to the light." All I tried to say in my original post was “Let’s let this man express his anger and see what’s behind it; and help him deal with his pain.” I used to judge a certain very prejudiced white man. Then I learned that he had been jumped and beaten half to death by 6 black guys when he was a kid. He expresses hatred, but what’s behind it is PAIN. This example is universally applicable: people of every race and ethnicity have been both victim and perpetrator. Harry Belafonte thought white people were the most racist people in the world. Until he went to Rwanda. Then he said, “The line between good and evil is not drawn between races, or countries, or religions, or political parties, but right down the middle of the heart of every man.” Racism will not be eradicated on a national level in one fell swoop, but by individuals—like us—talking and listening to each other at kitchen tables, in small groups, and on internet blogs, such as this one. (And we should be exemplary, as this is an interracial web site!) Here’s a great story in conclusion. My daughter, who is bi-racial, moved to an apartment near an ethnic neighborhood that is neither black nor white. Her daughter, though technically multi-racial, is a dark-skinned black child. My daughter called and told me that the parents in the majority ethnic group wouldn’t let their children play with my innocent 3-year-old granddaughter on the playground, because she is black. My daughter expressed her deep pain and disappointment, and then let it go. Several months later, during and after Hurricane Sandy, the power was off in that area, and everyone was freezing and without food and water. My granddaughter was sick. People were hungry and really suffering. My daughter stood in line for two hours to get food. After it was all over, she called me and said, with great compassion and no reference to the prior discrimination: “Mom, some of those [majority ethnic group] people would have starved, because they don’t speak English and don’t know where to get food and other resources, so I gave them most of the food I got.” She then spent several days cooking and distributing food to people. Now that’s expressing pain and getting past it until you get to love, and that’s what I’m talking about. Peace, SweetToYou (formerly XnChristine)

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    • Silverdante says:
      Posted: 02 Mar 13

      Sure and next time my children get beat up by an Asian. I will be cool with them saying "I hate Asians" How can you justify being ok with that in this day and age? So this guy needs to be understood, but you are perfectly fine to let the words "I hate white people" escape your lips?(I see where your children are getting their behavior from) What about understanding "them"? Oh right they are not the right color to receive that privilege from you. I got it. You don't even know what the word racist means do you? "One can dislike a group and still love individuals in them" Are you serious? Don't you understand how detrimental this mentality is? So how do you even expose the "lovable" white people? You first treat them like shit and then after they have swallowed all your rudeness, you can decide whether they are ok? Maybe the reason you "hate white people" is because you judge them before you meet them and they don't take your bullshit and start treating you like shit right back at you, completing your lovely circle of hate... ever thought about that? I sure as hell would be treating you like shit with your backwards mentality. Get a reality check.

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      • XnChristine says:
        Posted: 11 Mar 13

        Silverdante, Please see my second post, above, for an example of extending "understanding" to a white person, and my suggestion that it be extended to persons of all races. If or when one of your kids says, "I hate [a certian group]," you can ask why, get them talking, and get to the bottom of it. I have never suggested or promoted hate, but suggested a way to diffuse it. If one of your kids--God forbid--should be abused by a group of persons of another race, you can help them process it and heal from it, so that they don't generalize their feelings about it to that whole race, as so often happens. I never said that I hate any group in front of my kids or anyone else (see above post), but to God, who knows what to do with the statement (which, again, I do not condone). My kids have faced a lifetime of prejudice from both blacks and whites, because they are mixed. When their pain got to the boiling point, especially as teenagers, I was able to listen without judging and let them get it out. That's WHY they don't hate now, and are pretty well adjusted. I can see how my first post, above, could be misunderstood, and wrote the second one to clarify it. I hope you'll be open to my explanations. I would appreciate it if you would please make your points and ask questions with more tact. You can question or disagree with a person in a constructive way. You swearing at me in the last paragraph of your last post is pretty aggressive, is actually forbidden by the rules of the blog, and just makes things worse. We're here to promote racial harmony, and it has to start with each other. Change is not in the future, it's right this second. We could, and probably are, changing hearts--and therefore changing history--as we converse with each other on this blog. Thank you for considering this new input. Peace, XnChristine

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    • englishindia says:
      Posted: 13 Mar 13

      I strongly agree with your points. However, you yourself are sill racist. You know why? You said you are in search of a black man. You might have had interest on black men always. This is racist things because you explicitly giving preference to black man's skin or body features. If what you did/do is right, then White/Asian employers giving preference to only White/Asian people to hire is not racism. Most of us are one or other way are racists just like you are!

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      • SweetToYou says:
        Posted: 13 Mar 13

        Dear Englishlinda, Thank you for understanding my points. I think your application of the term "racist" is hasty, but I will carefully consider your questions. I dated boys and men of all races; I didn't care about race. Then I married a black man and had three children with him, and our children are bi-racial, of course, but are considered black. Then my ex and I got divorced, and again I dated men of all races. Again I didn't care about race. I had relationships with two white men who, when they were angry at me, made hateful racist comments about my children. After that I became more guarded, and started to focus more on black men. Recently I have become more open to seeing that there are plenty of white men and men of all races who love women of other races and are not racist. I think I have had a preference for black or bi-racial men because there is less chance of racism against my children, who identify as black. I don't have to explain anything about my children to a black man, or be afriad that he will reject my children because of their race, or think less of me for having been married to a black man. We also share a common culture, which would make becoming a family easier. I don't think I am "giving preference to a black man's skin or body features." I like black men's skin; in; I like any man's beautiful skin. But there is no difference in black men's "body features", so nothing to prefer. Men are men. I think my preference is cultural and familial, and comes from a protective instinct for my children and grandchildren. But I will be open to looking at it further. I don't think having a general preference is the same as racism, which is being against someone because of their race. But I can see that there is a line: where does preference end and prejudice begin? I purposefully didn't check a racial preference on this site, because, who knows?--my dream man could be of any race, and I don't want to exclude him. If you are reading this, Dream Man, please write to me! :)

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  11.   SeanVH says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 13

    Who knows how so many things can be possible. Life is just way too short to waste it hating. Doesn't matter what the reason. We are all here for only a finite amount of time. Agreed, we shouldn't forget our past. So that we will never make the mistakes our forefathers made. But learn to let it go, and move on to a better place of understanding, love, forgiveness, and peace. If you don't get along, just move on and find people you enjoy spending time with. Let the haters surround themselves with other haters. And keep the people in your life who help build you up, make you grow, and become a better person because of the influence they pass on to you. Everyone has a choice.

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  12.   TonyWonders says:
    Posted: 20 Feb 13

    This is a lot more common than anyone really wants to admit. Most people don't want to acknowledge the anti-white hostility that thrives in the minority communities. But being in an interracial relationship doesn't necessarily mean you're not a racist. Its pretty simple, if you hate someone because of their race, you too are a racist.

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  13.   mariorn says:
    Posted: 19 Feb 13

    We are one body like minded. AMEN

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